He Sees You When You’re Sleeping: Top Ten Scary Santas
Written by Michael Varrati
While I wouldn’t consider myself a Scrooge, I will also be the first to admit that I could never be the poster-boy for the Christmas season.
I tend to find people’s false cheer off-putting and contrary to how ugly they tend to act in the concourses of any department store or mall. There’s a lot of stress and rushing about, and though it is called a “holiday”…Christmas is hardly a vacation.
Being the monster kid that I am, I’ve always much preferred Halloween. It seems relatively stress free, is not mired in the complications of Christmas (name the last time your third Aunt Sally was pissed when you accidentally forgot to send her a Halloween card), and the only fruitcake is the guy who doesn’t have bolts sticking out of his neck.
That said, there are some things I like about Christmas. It’s nice to be able to see old friends around the holidays, enjoy tasty treats, and reserve some time to watch my favorite holiday flick (which just happens to be Love, Actually…bet you didn’t see that coming, did you?).
But, what of the ardent horror enthusiast inside me who just can’t wait to skip all the tinsel and move right back to the terror?
Well, I’m happy to say that I’m not the only one who wishes it was Halloween all the time, and there have been some deranged (i.e. genius) filmmakers across the years who have seen fit to show the world that the Christmas holiday is often just as scary as its October counterpart.
More so, by looking at the holiday season through a twisted and macabre lens, that towering figure of Christmas (not the zombie guy, the other one) has also become something less than holly jolly, and something far more ho-ho-horrible.
I am speaking, naturally, of Santa Claus. The man in red has been given some truly sinister variations over the years, not just within the horror industry, but by artists across genres who clearly had been spurned one time too many unwrapping presents on Christmas morning.
So, as I settle into watch Fatally Yours’ own 2008 pick for best holiday horror film, Santa’s Slay (which won’t make this list, I am sad to say, as I have never seen it), I am taking a moment to consider some of the other scary Santas across the years of film history, and giving you my list of what I consider to be the very best at bringing the Christmas fright. Take note, dear reader, not all of these Santa Clauses necessarily come from horror films, but all of them, in their way, brought a bit of Christmas terror to all the little boys and girls.
10.) A Christmas Story – Santa’s Scary Slide
My first terrifying movie Santa comes not from a horror film, but from a beloved holiday classic. Director Bob Clark had already proven he was a master of holiday horror almost a decade before he made A Christmas Story with the proto-slasher Black Christmas, but it was his decidedly more family friendly Christmas flick that delivers a Santa that surely haunted the children of the 80s for years. When little Ralphie Parker goes forth to ask Santa to aid him in his quest for the ultimate gift- a Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle (with a compass in the stock)- Santa reacts less than favorably, issuing Ralphie the prophetic, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” and then kicks him down a surreal, Salvador Dali-esque fun slide. Not only is Santa presented as less than jolly, but the whole sequencing of events are darkly sinister, not to mention his most heinous way of dispensing the children who come to seek his counsel. Clark’s camera angles are tight, making Santa seem larger than life and slightly askew, and as Ralphie is flushed from Santa’s royal holiday presence, his “ho ho ho” is darkly mocking, leaving children with the sense that this a man to fear, not trust.
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9.) Christmas Evil – He’s Watching You!
1980’s Christmas Evil (alternatively known as You Better Watch Out) predates the far more recognized Silent Night, Deadly Night (we’ll get back to that one shortly) of a few years later, but it merits mention for being one of the first flicks to really give Santa some claws (ba-dum-dum-kersh). Telling the story of a guy who actually spies on people to see if they’ve been naughty or nice and then dons a Santa suit to dispatch those who didn’t make the nice side of the list, this film delivers creepiness in spades. Perhaps most horrifying is the man’s mental descent into believing he is Santa Claus (played by Fiona Apple’s dad, no less), leading to a wonderful montage of events that show our crazy Kris Kringle’s transformation and belief he is really, truly doing good…which makes him all the more scary. Particularly worth your time if you’ve ever wanted to see Santa chased by a mob of villagers, this movie is the standard for scary Santa fare to come.
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8.) How the Grinch Stole Christmas! - Scary Grins and Robbing Whos
I would be remiss if I didn’t take a brief moment to recognize the dastardly scourge of Whoville, The Grinch. While at first, not seemingly all that horror related, considering the whole bit where his heart grows three sizes (which would kill you), and he repents…there is initially no better villain of the holiday season. Of course, I’m talking about the original animated special inspired by Seuss’s book, and not the Jim Carrey film. Note the moment when the Grinch first hatches his evil plan, the size and creep-out nature of that evil grin is unparalleled. Surely that made a few kiddies pee a bit in their pajamas, and if this wasn’t enough, the villain himself was voiced by horror staple Boris Karloff. If that’s not enough to get the Grinch on this list, I don’t know what is.
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7.) Santa Claws- Attack of the Literal Title!
Written by James Russo, of Night of the Living Dead fame, this movie is pretty much an excuse for the classic horror formula of T&A, but also is one of the few movies where a kiss under the mistletoe is the impetus for the action (well, if you discount all the other movies on this list that start with a wee psycho seeing mommy kissing Claus), spurning a confused boy into a killing machine dressed as Santa. More so, he uses a claw to carry out his murders. If I have to explain the joke, you probably should just go read something else.
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6.) A Nightmare Before Christmas – Jack Skellington Re-Imagines the Holiday
Look, I worked at Hot Topic. I know how ingrained this movie is to horror culture, and that’s why I don’t really feel much need to go about explaining the shenanigans that Tim Burton’s pumpkin king, Jack Skellington, gets himself into when he decides to make his own version of Christmas. Most horror fans would argue that Jack’s holiday romp isn’t even all that terrifying, but let’s get down to brass tacks: Dude left kids severed heads under the Christmas tree. Now, where I come from, that is some whack shit.
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5.) Futurama - Robot Santa
Probably one of my favorite incarnations of St. Nicholas, this robot from the creator of The Simpsons was created in the distant future as an alternative to a flesh and blood Santa, and was programmed to determine who was naughty and nice. Problematically, his programming has deemed everyone naughty, and each Christmas, Robot Santa returns with a bevy of holiday themed weaponry to attempt to kill all of mankind (and alien-kind for that matter). A cross between the Terminator and our boy from Christmas Evil, Robot Santa definitely takes the heart-warming factor out of the holiday and replaces it with cold, hard steel. Bonus points: Robot Santa has been known to associate with a character who goes by the name “Chanukah Zombie”.
Editor’s Note: Robot Santa Claus first appears in “Xmas Story” in season 2 and also in “A Tale of Two Santas” in season 3 of Futurama.
Order season 2 on Amazon
Order season 3 on Amazon
4.) National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – Clark Griswald Flips His Shit
This one may be a slight cheat, considering Chevy Chase never tries to pass his character Clark Griswald off as Santa, per se, but when the film’s pivotal meltdown occurs, the popular patriarch has donned Santa’s iconic duds. Thus far on this list, we’ve discussed Santas of a murderous, malevolent, and wicked bend…and while these may be the typical horrors of our beloved genre, we all know that in truth, the reality of Christmas can often be just as horrible, albeit in a different way. Relatives pushing you to the breaking point, pressure to execute the perfect holiday dinner, pretending you want the house guests whom you’d just as soon kick to the curb…these are the real terrors that we all must endure every December, and though this holiday classic makes us laugh, the audience knows all too well what cards Clark Griswald has been dealt. So in the movie’s penultimate scenes, as Clark loses all moral compass and has one of the greatest and most over-the-top outbursts this side of holiday dinners with my uncle, not only can you relate, but Chevy Chase’s portrayal of someone driven to bug-eyed insanity by the regular pressures of the holiday season rings uncomfortably true.
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3.) To All a Good Night – Santa Rushes a Sorority!
There seemed to be a boom of killer Santa Clauses (and even one flick where there is a Santa Claus killer called Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas, which effectively has the most niche movie slasher of all time), and it was inevitable that one of them would eventually make his way to a sorority house. After all, what better place for a horror movie killer is there, besides a sleepy town or a babysitter left unattended? Directed by horror veteran David Hess (Last House on the Left), this film does have the distinction of being the only of the Santa-subgenre to have not one…but TWO killer Santas working in tandem to more effectively deliver gifts of death to the sisters of an unfortunate Greek organization. For its horribly ambitious double dose of Claus, this oft forgotten film ranks as one of the most remarkable takes on Christmas’ spokesperson(s) ever committed to film.
2.) Silent Night, Deadly Night – Pissing Off Parent Groups!
Of all the Santa killers on this list, this was the one that raised the most eyebrows and pissed off the most parents, and that’s why it’s probably the most memorable. Surely, some of the other films listed (and possibly a few I have not) are better in execution, but none are more legendary than Silent Night, Deadly Night. Featuring a little boy who witnesses his parent’s murder by a deranged Santa, only to become a killer Kris Kringle himself, this film’s unforgiving look at jolly ol’ Saint Nick leaves the viewer with a forever altered perception of the character. With one grisly act of killing after another, including Santa mounting a blonde to the antlers of a reindeer head, this version of the character is deserving of his place in tarnishing the pristine legacy of Christmas forever.
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1.) Tales from the Crypt (1972)/Tales from the Crypt (1989) – The Original Santa Killer
Adapted from the E.C. comics story And All Through the House for the Tales from the Crypt movie in the 70s, and again by Robert Zemeckis in the ‘80s when the television series of the same name premiered on HBO, this story is the granddaddy of scary Santa tales, and still remains the very best. When a woman murders her husband in cold blood, she finds herself trapped in the house and unable to alert the police when she is stalked by another killer…who just happens to be conveniently dressed as Santa Claus. Both renditions of this creepy tale of just desserts are extremely atmospheric, and turn the image of Santa creeping around outside in the snow into an image truly ominous and terrifying. Furthermore, this Santa is not above exploiting children’s love and wonderment of holiday magic to get his way…and in the story’s pivotal twist (as is always the case with E.C.), he does so to the utmost and chilling effect. For being the ultimate Claus creepster and laying the groundwork for every scary Santa that has come since, I cannot help but justly award the scariest Santa of all time award to the Santa killer from Tales from the Crypt, and pray that he doesn’t come down my chimney this year to collect his winnings.
Order the 1972 version with Joan Collins on Amazon
Order the first season of the HBO series with the episode on Amazon
So, there’s the list…which I think provides plenty of reasons to reassess hitting the mall to sit on Santa’s lap, because what he brings you may not be your toy of choice.
Until next time dear readers, Merry Christmas…don’t get stabbed!
Related Articles:
Not Your Typical Christmas Horror List: Underrated and Unusual Holiday-Themed Horror
Spooky Xmas Carols with Macabre Musician Spookhaus
Holiday of Horror’s – Fatally-Yours.com’s Top 5 Christmas Movies
Thursday, December 24th, 2009 at 11:01 am | Filed under News.
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