Chris Jacques’ Completely Subjective Version of This Decade’s Best Horror Films
Written by Chris Jacques
Some, many in fact, will argue that the decade isn’t even over yet. They’ll say that 2001 was the 1st year of the decade, with 2010 being the last. And hey! They’re probably right! But when did all of your friends think the world was going to end? 1999? That was the end of the millennium and the end of life as we all knew it to them, and so it’s that numb-skulled, populist opinion with which I’m basing this list here: the top 20 somewhat under-the-radar films I liked the most from this past decade, from 2000-2009.
They’re not the highest grossers, the highest rated, the most beloved or even the most-lauded by the underground. May will not be on this list, for example, because I happen to think that May was a milquetoast, boring piece of shit with no soul. And keep in mind that I’m probably completely wrong! That said, here’s one guy’s view; I can only hope that a few gems can be found amongst the pile of rubble.
20.) Love Object – A couple of years before Lars and the Real Girl tried to make the love affair between a man and his doll funny, Love Object actually got the premise right by making it deviant, sick and creepy. It was a small, quiet, unassuming film that simply snuck under the skin, delivering the goods without a grand presentation. It was unsettling without unsettling the viewer from her or his seat. Unconventional, sad, and definitely twisted, it hit the marks that I think a movie like May wildly missed.
Available on Amazon
19.) Highwaymen - I have such a soft spot for horror movies involving cars and the road. From The Wraith to Christine to Joy Ride, it so often seems that my favorite horror flicks have something to do with someone being chased down by something with a lot of anger and a lot of horsepower. Highwaymen was no different, except that it was actually quite a bit more stylish and heartfelt than others in the sub-genre. Poor timing, it was, that Jim Caviezel had just played Jesus Christ in the ultimate torture porn, The Passion of the Christ, mere months before this was to be released, because this movie deserved much more of an audience than it ever received. Plus, Colm Feore kicks ass.
Available on Amazon
18.) Subject Two - I really dug this modern take on Frankenstein, as it was so pure and simplistic, almost bare-bones in its approach. The slow realization of the monster’s monstrosity was an intriguing development, and since Frankenstein hasn’t really been all that viable since The Monster Squad AT THE BEST, it was nice to see the tale get a bit of an update that was devoid of kitsch and hipster, nerdy irony (see my hatred for May).
Available on Amazon
17.) Gabriel – This 2008 action/horror Aussie flick came out to nearly no fanfare in the US, which is a shame, because the movie had plenty of style, vision, a fantastic look, excellent fight choreography, relatively solid acting and a religious base that managed to include pretty much everything, questioning all that any one religion might hold dear by mixing it with all the others. What resulted was a movie with angels, demons, ass-kicking and all of the heart and soul that the Underworld series wishes it could have had, and twice the visual impact to boot.
Available on Amazon
16.) They - For a “Wes Craven Presents” movie, They packed a lot of atmosphere and dread into its 90 or so minutes, as well as one Hell of a downer ending. I really wanted to hate it, but I couldn’t, and by the end, I ended up having to buy it. I’m glad I did.
Available on Amazon
15.) The Forsaken – It was The Lost Boys for the modern set, and was cheesy in parts, but the no-bullshit approach taken to the script and the driving line of action was impeccably strong. Under the radar (as most of the decent horrors went this decade), this J.S Cardone flick should have received a much better box-office take. If so, we might not have had to see him make The Covenant, Prom Night or The Stepfather. Damn it damn it damn it.
Available on Amazon
14.) The Convent – Demonic nuns! Adrienne Barbeau kicking the shit out of them! “Oh My Goth!” wannabes getting turned into virgin sacrifices and black-light body gore everywhere! It was funny, scary, action-packed and never let up for a minute. In a word: awesome!
Available on Amazon
13.) Feed - I caught this movie at its premiere at the Philadelphia Film Festival, and was immediately impressed with how raw and remorseless this movie was. Coming from the director of The Lawnmower Man and Virtuosity, I was expecting something with a ton of gloss and shine, but what I got was a gritty, mean little crime story with a completely unique story and a cast full of grey-area characters. No one was fully right or fully wrong, and that realism, matched with the overall style of the film, really worked to make the experience one that’s not easily forgotten.
Available on Amazon
12.) Choking Hazard – I’m pretty much Zombied out at this point, but when Choking Hazard came out, I was totally thrilled to watch such a hilarious, violent zombie flick come out of the Czech Republic. I’ve honestly run into four, maybe five people in as many years who have seen this movie, and that’s a damned shame, because this movie is easily as fun as Shaun of the Dead, and would actually make a great double-feature with that movie, provided you’re willing to get through the 2nd half of that double-feature with subtitles.
Available on Amazon
11.) Anamorph – Willem Dafoe couldn’t have been more miserable than in this movie, and this movie might have been amongst the most miserable movies I’ve ever seen. It’s a murder mystery in the tradition of flicks like Se7en, and though there isn’t much of a twist at the end, the ride throughout is filled with tension, sadness and pain. The experience of the characters, the bleak lives they live, is absolutely gut-wrenching, and for them to live through the Hells they endure and then die they way they do…well…there’s the horror for you. It’s just like Sloth in Se7en, now that I think about it…poor guy!
Available on Amazon
10.) Dagon - I haven’t seen too many Lovecraft adaptations on the big screen, because I’ve heard that a good portion of them happen to be absolute shit. That said, Dagon was not at all shit. It was moody, creepy, had a palpable sense of danger and didn’t compromise a thing. If they could make all movies about the Cthulhu with the general creepiness of this flick, and just add some better actors and a bigger budget, they could really break the Lovecraft curse…and yeah, I didn’t like the Re-Animator movies. Shoot me.
Available on Amazon
9.) Them (Ils) – The makers of The Strangers will swear up and down until each of them dies a horrid, lesion-laden death that they didn’t rip off Them, a modern French classic that is pretty much the same damned story, except that it’s much creepier and more suspenseful. For fans of this site, I know fully well that subtitles are of no concern, so if you’ve seen The Strangers and not seen Them (Ils), do yourself the favor and see the original, superior product. It goes without saying that the source material is better than the American remake, but the difference here is measured in light years.
Available on Amazon
8.) Cookers – Meth. Cooking Crystal Meth entails a lot, and very little of it actually has to do with the cooking of the meth. It’s about fear, paranoia, hallucinations, murder, abuse, possibly haunted houses and all sorts of other scary things that make the option of taking or making Crystal Meth seem like the worst one a person can endeavor. This movie is alternately dreamy and gritty, screaming and quiet, and the unknown actors are all fantastic.
Available on Amazon
7.) The Mothman Prophecies - Did this movie even last an entire weekend in the theaters? I know that, before I saw it, it was already hanging out in the 5-dollar bin at Wal-Mart. So I picked it up and it promptly scared the shit out of me. Boasting a good director in Mark Pellington, solid acting work from Richard Gere, Laura Linney and Will Patton, I simply can’t see why it didn’t get too much of a rep for being an incredibly creepy movie…but it didn’t. Their loss, my gain.
Available on Amazon
6.) The Gravedancers - The next feature film from The Convent director Mike Mendez was an improvement in every way. It was scarier, stronger, tighter, more vicious, funnier in parts and sadder in others, and made for a total blast to watch. Granted, I enjoy seeing Tcheky Karyo in just about anything he’ll show his face in for a paycheck, but the movie still worked stunningly on its own merits, and was easily among the top 2 films of that year’s After Dark Horrorfest, alongside…
Available on Amazon
5.) The Abandoned - Nacho Cerda’s first feature-length film and his first with what seemed like a real narrative. His previous works, whether a reviled short film like Aftermath or its spiritual sequel Genesis, were ultimately light on story. Not so with The Abandoned which took the concept of the doppelganger and ran a marathon with it. A difficult story to explain without giving away crucial elements of the plot, it goes nearly without saying that the movie offers tension and fear that nearly all of the big-budgeted horror dreck did for the entirety of the decade, proving yet again that a big budget does not necessarily guarantee a good movie.
Available on Amazon
4.) Evil – Put 28 Days Later in Greece and make it funny. And 20 times more violent. That’s Evil, and it’s about 85 minutes of never-gonna-stop ass-kicking that doesn’t get boring for a second, and boasts one of the coolest ending shots I’ve ever seen in any movie. ANY MOVIE. EVER.
Available on Amazon
3.) Slither - Okay, tons of people love this movie and it saw a huge resurgence on pay TV and DVD, but this was just, quite simply, one of the most kick-ass horror flicks of the decade. It was a total throwback to when movies were scary, fun, cathartic and enjoyable all at once. It was William Castle’s best work meets Peter Jackson’s sickest, and the result was something that I wouldn’t mind seeing a million more times. Plus, Michael Rooker kicks all the ass in the world and I’m a total Rooker mark.
Available on Amazon
2.) Hellraiser: Inferno – This is one criminally underrated movie. In my opinion, this movie comes really, hair-line close to being as good as the original Hellraiser and its sequel, Hellraiser II: Hellbound. Craig Sheffer was amazing in his role as a guy who cared so little for life as it was that he sought more, different, exciting things. It’s so simple, but it was deeper into the spiral of the Inferno he went, again and again, and the minimalism used in so many of the effects was so damned effective that gore was barely necessary. Beautifully shot, an excellent detective wraparound tale and desperation soaking through every pore of this movie would have made it an absolute classic, in my view, if not for the fact that it happened to be the 4th sequel in an already-waning horror franchise.
Available on Amazon
1.) Dead End - This, without question, was my favorite horror movie of the entire decade. I’ve always been mystified by the myth of the hitchhiking female ghost, dressed in white, and this movie plays upon the inherent fear in that and then expounds upon it in heaps. Ray Wise and Lin Shaye turn in performances that may have very well rejuvenated their careers, and I don’t think that there might ever be another horror flick that makes a single car driving down a single road any richer a foray into the psychology of a broken family than does Dead End.
Available on Amazon
All right, so there were about 50 other movies that would’ve fit just as well in this list, and they’re not here. Do you have a list? Post it up on Fatally-Yours’ Facebook page! We’d love to see what you think as much as you’d like to tell us how much Chris’ choices suck! Let’s compare and contrast, and if we can agree on just one, we’ll consider this a job well-done…and if not? Well, there’s always the next decade…
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