Best and Worst Horror Films of 2009
Well, horror fans, it’s another end to another year and I’ll bet most of you are glad to see 2009 go! The year has been a long one for most of us, and with all the economic sh*t hitting the fan, horror fans needed some well-deserved escape with our films this year. Lucky for us, 2009 offered lots of great horror, from the comedic Zombieland to the nostalgic Trick ‘r Treat to the horrific Grace.
We here at Fatally-Yours wanted to recognize the year in horror films, both good and bad, so a handful of Fatally-Yours’ staff members have compiled their annual lists for the best and worst horror films of 2009, presented here for your pleasure!
Besides the obvious picks for the best horror films of 2009 included in our lists, we also wanted to share with you some possibly lesser known titles you might have missed this year. Movies that shocked, delighted and scared us here at Fatally-Yours. Movies that got us through the worst and the best of times during 2009. With the good comes the bad, though, and 2009 certainly saw its fair share of stinkers, also represented on our lists!
While it is true we haven’t seen every horror film (good or bad) that was released in 2009, we think that our lists will give you excellent insight on the best and worst this year and lead you to discover some hidden gems as well as fondly revisiting some of the best horror of 2009 (we can’t say the same for our “worst of” picks…just avoid those!). As with any list there will be varying opinions (as you can plainly see from our staff, as more than once someone’s pick for “best of 2009” ended up on someone else’s list for “worst of 2009”!), so please recognize that this isn’t a definitive list by any means, but merely our own personal favorites and least favorites from 2009.
Each film’s title will lead to its respective review and you can also find more information on the film by clicking the “Buy it on Amazon!” link.
We are glad to see 2009 go, but are grateful for the many amazing horror films that were released this year and are eagerly anticipating to see where the horror genre goes in 2010!
(We’ve tried to be accurate with release dates, but with some films it’s a slippery slope when trying to pin down an exact release date [limited theatrical vs. DVD release, foreign releasing, etc.], so please give us some wiggle room…we are only trying to showcase the very best [and worst] films that caught our eye this year.)
Fatally Yours’ Picks
BEST:
Now, I can’t claim to have seen every single horror film that came out in 2009, but out of the ones I did see (and there are a lot!) these are my top 10.
10.) The Burrowers – Horror movies set during the Old West are far and in-between, so I was anxious to check out J.T. Petty’s ambitious film about a posse of cowboys and cavalry looking for a missing family who come up against creatures the Native Americans call “the burrowers”. The Burrowers is Western horror done right, featuring creeping dread, beautiful panoramas and a unique storyline. This came out on DVD way back in April and was one of the first horror films of 2009 I truly loved!
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9.) Fever Night – Fever Night was made by a skeleton crew of three and took over two years to complete on a shoestring budget, but nonetheless the result is stunning. Featuring weird, trippy visuals, great performances by its three actors and a spooky story about Satan-worshippers who encounter the Devil himself after performing a black magick ritual, Fever Night had me enthralled from beginning to end. This psychotic and psychedelic satanic indie film managed to unnerve me far more than horror films with 100x its budget. Keep an eye on co-writers/co-directors Jordan Harris and Andrew Schrader, because they are the kind of raw talent that horror so desperately needs!
8.) Laid to Rest – One of the few slasher films in recent history to actually be decent! Sure, it didn’t try to reinvent the slasher genre, but it did manage to make slashers fun again! Instead of stereotypical characters, writer and director Robert Hall gave us likeable characters and a menacing and actually scary villain. Add loads of mind-blowing gore and you’ve got yourself a surprisingly good slasher that stands head and shoulders above all the wannabe’s released this year. Gory, gory hallelujah! This is how a slasher should be done!
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7.) Dead Snow – Nazi zombies…do I really need to say anymore? Well, ok…besides the Nazi zombies, this Norwegian film is full of self-referential humor and some of the most entertaining kill scenes all year! It is the perfect balance between slapstick and splatterfest and one of the most fun films to watch with a large group of friends.
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6.) Grace – I love horror flicks that focus on women characters and their dilemmas. After being stunned at Paul Solet’s short film Grace, I was thrilled when I heard it was being made into a feature film. This year it was finally released and I couldn’t be more pleased with the film! This is one disturbing horror film that is sure to ruffle both female’s and male’s feathers! A pregnant woman is determined to carry her dead baby to term, but when it’s born it miraculously comes back to life. Soon, it because obvious the baby isn’t normal and needs human blood to survive. This kind of film could have easily dissolved into the silliness of It’s Alive, but Solet’s writing and direction, plus a convincing performance by Jordan Ladd, keep things tense and serious. A truly shocking and unique take on the demands of motherhood and the extent a mother will go to protect her offspring.
Buy it on Amazon
5.) Sweatshop – Another independent production to top my list, Sweatshop is pure gothic grittiness from indie filmmaker Stacy Davidson! It’s like an old school slasher, filled with colorful characters who are throwing an industrial rave in an old abandoned warehouse but soon realize they are sharing the space with a sadistic killer. Sure, it doesn’t sound like anything new, but what makes Sweatshop special is the way it’s executed and the strong performances from its actors, namely Jeremy Sumrall, who puts on one of the most menacing performances from a killer I’ve seen all year! Plus, it boasts some of the most insane gore this side of Laid to Rest and a killer soundtrack of industrial and EBM beats.
4.) Zombieland – Ok, this is an obvious choice for most horror fans, but it’s an obvious choice with good reason! First of all, do you know anyone who has seen this movie and didn’t like it? I didn’t think so…Zombieland is a rootin’ tootin’ good time, chock full of zingers, quotable lines and “rules” to live the apocalypse by (better get started on that cardio training…), with a very healthy dose of gore!
Buy it on Amazon
3.) Jennifer’s Body – Maybe it was the women-centric themes that made fans avoid or dislike Jennifer’s Body, but as a woman horror fan I absolutely loved it. Many other women I’ve spoken to loved it as well, so it makes me wonder if males didn’t connect with this film because it featured strong women as the main characters and revealed how in control women are when it comes to sex. I’d take a guess that this film made most men uncomfortable, even if they didn’t realize it, and this led them to dislike it. It is a pity this film was overlooked by the majority of the horror community, because not only was it entertaining and sexy, it was smart! Diablo Cody’s clever writing and Karyn Kasuma’s sure-fire direction along with stellar performances from both Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried made this one of my most fun theater experiences of 2009.
Buy it on Amazon
2.) Drag Me to Hell – Still, THIS was definitely the most fun I had in a theater in 2009! Sam Raimi’s rambunctious Drag Me To Hell was a pure delight to watch. His triumphant return to horror was filled with groddy set-pieces, ominous atmosphere and one of the year’s best villains – “You have shamed me!!”
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1.) Trick ‘r Treat– What else can I say about this masterpiece that hasn’t already been said? As a spooky kid, I am always for more Halloween-themed horror films (not the shitty kind like The Pumpkin Karver), so I had high expectations when this was FINALLY released to horror fans this year. My expectations weren’t only met, but exceeded with Trick ‘r Treat’s entertaining and intertwined anthology. This is an instant Halloween and horror classic, and in my opinion has even surpassed Carpenter’s Halloween as the best Samhain-themed movie ever!
Buy it on Amazon
WORST:
I make it a mission to avoid as much bad horror as I can (I skipped most of this year’s remakes and/or sequels – H2, The Uninvited, Sorority Row, etc. – as well as insipid looking big-budget “horror” – Orphan, The Unborn, Twatlight – New Moon, etc.), so barring any horror that my gut told me was already going to be bad, I present to you the bottom of the barrel horror I was unfortunate enough to witness this year.
10.) Afterdark Horrorfest III/Ghosthouse Underground 2009 Releases: Some of my least favorite horror films were released by these two companies. With Afterdark Horrorfest you have the trivial and boring Perkins 14, Autopsy, The Broken, Dying Breed, etc., etc…(most of which I didn’t review because they were so bland and forgettable) not one of their releases that I saw did I like. Ghosthouse Underground’s direct-to-DVD titles The Children, Seventh Moon and Offspring did little to impress me. The only one I sorta liked was The Thaw. When three out of four of your releases suck, it’s pretty much time to reevaluate your horror cred, kiddos.
9.) Dead in 3 Days – Unoriginal film from Austria that cribs the U.S. slasher formula and does ABSOLUTELY NOTHING NEW WITH IT! Pointless and a waste of time…
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8.) Plague Town – Normally, I think kids are creepy on their own, so I’m a sucker for evil kid flicks. I was definitely a sucker when I got sucked into watching this…because this film just plain sucked. More generic story-telling (a family stuck in the middle of nowhere, odd townfolk, etc.) and stupid decisions made by characters made me want to catch an actual plague to put me out of my misery from watching this flick.
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7.) I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer – I was actually looking forward to this Down Under indie flick, expecting some tongue-in-cheek humor and vicious kills, but all I got was a lousy migraine from this uninspired slasher. It may have a catchy title and a cool premise (a killer cricket player…brilliant!) but it fumbles the ball big-time by sticking to the stereotypical slasher formula and not offering up any humor or even memorable kills.
Buy it on Amazon
6.) Nature’s Grave – This remake of the Australian cult classic Long Weekend held none of the original’s suspense and the hammy performance by Jim Caviezel was embarrassing to watch.
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5.) Killer Shorts – Low budget pictures can be a joy to watch, but some can be downright excruciating. You certainly don’t need a big budget to make a good film, but by God you need solid storylines and somewhat competent actors and direction. Unfortunately, Killer Shorts had none of these pertinent components and was an absolute travesty. Unbelievably terrible and one of the worst low budget pictures I’ve ever seen.
4.) Autumn – I had high hopes for this film, based on David Moody’s acclaimed book, but the film failed to capture the urgency and human emotion of the novel. Instead, it plodded through its running time and was a drag to sit through.
3.) Surveillance – Jennifer Lynch attempted to follow in daddy David Lynch’s footprints for this one, but instead she made a boring and predictable genre flick. It was filed with such banality that I didn’t even bother to write a review for it.
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2.) Amusement – What a horrid mess of a movie! Riddled with plot holes, inconsistencies and characters making boneheaded decisions, this film had me rolling my eyes so many times I thought I’d go blind!
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1.) Friday the 13th – Where to I even begin with this awful, awful remake? Out of all the horrid remakes coming out of Hollywood, this ranks up there as the absolute worst. Unlikable characters, a pathetic Jason, gapping plot holes and some of the most forgettable kills of all the Friday the 13th movies left me feeling dirty and used by Platinum Dunes and seeking vengeance on those that made this piece of poo.
Buy it on Amazon
Michael Varrati’s Picks
BEST:
Yeah, that’s right…I only selected eight because I’m horribly picky (and horribly tricky, as you’ll see), but I think I did right by my undead peers and selected the cream of the crop.
8.) Splatter Movie: The Director’s Cut - It’s no great secret that I love the films of Mike Watt (writer, producer) and Amy Lynn Best (actress, director), and even more so, I really like them as people and had the good fortune of filming a small part in their next motion picture, The Demon Divas and the Lanes of Damnation. That said, perceived bias aside, they both would tell you I’m not the type to pull punches, and if I don’t like something, I’ll say so, regardless of who wrote or directed the piece. With that in mind, I can honestly say I love Splatter Movie: The Director’s Cut. Exactly the kind of movie I’ve always enjoyed, it’s a little bit abstract, a little bit tongue-in-cheek, and a whole lot meta-fictional. This is a movie of layers and substance, telling the tale of murders occurring on a movie set, while a horror movie about murders is being shot. The audience is often challenged to discern what is “reality” and what is the movie, which is often not quite as easy as one would like to believe. With stellar appearances from Debbie Rochon and Evil Dead’s Tom Sullivan, this is not your typical slasher, and merits several viewings to ensure you actually have seen what you think you saw. Often high concept horror can fall flat, but Splatter Movie: The Director’s Cut, never falters, and that’s why this cerebral one-two punch comes highly recommended.
Buy it on Amazon
7.) Lesbian Vampire Killers – I will likely be in the minority on this one, but I absolutely loved Lesbian Vampire Killers (and basically said as much when I reviewed it back in October). Featuring the British comedy duo of Mathew Horne and James Corden, this tale of bloodsuckers with a touch of Sapphic lust was just pure unadulterated fun. Infinitely silly and poking a great deal of fun at the Cushing/Lee era of Hammer vampire films, the movie was a nice mental recreation for the horror fan who has been mired down with too many soliloquy driven, tweenaged vampires. Although often unfairly compared to Shaun of the Dead (solely based on the fact that they are both British horror comedies), Lesbian Vampire Killers does share one thing with the aforementioned film in that they both have a great love for the genre at which they are poking fun. Fresh and original, I have watched this film a few times since my initial viewing and it has yet to get old, just like its titular tit-loving monsters. So take a chance, because if it’s not the best horror comedy of 2009, it’s at least the most entertaining.
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6.) Death Force - I was very frank and honest in my praise of this film when I reviewed it a month or so back, and even with the distance of time, my enthusiasm for it has not waned. Death Force is truly an achievement of exploitation filmmaking…it’s an assassin filled, cyberpunk inspired powerhouse that is so visually inspired that you forget you’re watching a low-budget movie, and instead feel like you’re being pulled along for an adrenaline, non-stop ride. With plenty to like, and one bizarrely inspired torture sequence, I feel it would be criminal to not give Death Force its due in a round up of the best of the year.
5.) Grace - I don’t have terribly much to say about Grace, even though I am touting it as one of the ten best horror/exploitation films of the year, but this is not because there is a lack of material to discuss or that there is not plenty of praise to be heaped upon this motion picture. No, the plain truth is that I just don’t want to talk about it because it creeps me right the hell out. Solet’s tale of a mother who delivers a dead baby (only for it to return to “life”) is unsettling and jarring, if not just outright uncomfortable. Proving there are no lengths a mother will not go to for her child, this film paints a bleak and disturbing portrait of mother/child bond that left this viewer completely and thoroughly skeeved. That said, this is a list of the best horror flicks of the year, and in a genre that had long ago ceased to really shock or scare me, to find that rare film that really got inside my mind and wouldn’t let go…it certainly deserves attention. Deftly made and scarily poignant, Grace shocks to the core, and when looking for true horror, what more can we ask?
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4.) Zombieland - If you’re a zombie fan who does a lot of praying, I imagine this autumn there were a lot of nights where you went to bed thanking the big Cthulhu in the sky for Zombieland, as it took a subgenre of horror that had pretty much played itself out and made it fun again. While the film was not so much a straight zombie-survival flick as it was a road trip comedy that happened to have the walking dead, Zombieland still managed to deliver a shockingly fun rendition of the apocalypse, complete with one of the best celebrity cameos this side of Sean Connery in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Cleverly shot, inspiringly badass, and undeniably amusing, I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that Zombieland was the single best zombie flick of 2009, and if not, it was at least the single best zombie flick of 2009 that also featured a former member of the cast of Cheers. So, until Cliff the mailman goes toe-to-toe with the living impaired, I cannot possibly recommend this movie enough.
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3.) Night of the Creeps - What’s that you say? Night of the Creeps didn’t come out in 2009, but in fact came out in 1986? Well, you’re right, but let me explain something to you in a moment of complete and total honesty and blatant lack of journalistic impartiality: I don’t care. Fred Dekker’s classic tale of alien slugs causing a mass zombie pandemic remains this author’s favorite horror film of all time, and for years was completely unavailable on DVD, save for the occasional bootleg on the horror convention circuit. That all changed this fall, when the film was finally released as a special edition DVD to a fan base that had been waiting for an extraordinarily long amount of time. So yeah, the movie may have been released 13 years ago, but it was in 2009 that we finally got it on DVD, and that’s why it’s making my list of the best horror of 2009, ‘cause I’m flippin’ excited about the whole damn ordeal. If you have a problem with it, go read the Huffington Post. If you don’t, maybe now is the time you take a moment to rediscover this classic gem, and remind yourself why it is one of the best films of this year or any other.
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2.) Drag Me to Hell – I might be one of the few people on the face of this planet who found the Spider-Man franchise horrifically dull… they were oft whiny, horribly melodramatic and lacking the zest I know Raimi is capable of achieving onscreen. I feared, like many directors before him, that ol’ Sam had fallen off the wagon of ballsy filmmaking and gone boringly legit. However, all my fears were dispelled with the director’s return to horror, Drag Me to Hell, a terrifyingly comic tale of being a girl trying to make it in L.A….all the while grappling with a gypsy curse. Unforgiving and crass, Drag Me to Hell was a freight train of jump scares and sight gags, gross outs and knee-slappers…not only is this movie a return to form, it stands proudly right next to Raimi’s legendary Evil Dead series without missing a single bloody beat. Easily the most fun I’ve had at the movies in a long time, Drag Me to Hell stands heads above a lot of the horror dreck that was released this past year and is, to this reviewer, already an instant classic.
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1.) Trick ‘r Treat - One cannot help but be completely mystified by how such a gem of a film had been held from release for almost two years after its completion, but whether it had been released in 2007 or now, I have no doubt that Michael Dougherty’s interlinked anthology of Samhain shenanigans, Trick ‘r Treat, would become a genre defining film. There’s little praise I can heap on this movie that hasn’t been given in spades by hundreds of reviewers, and I will say, this is the rare case where the hype is so very much worth it upon delivery. Truly atmospheric, visually beautiful, and shockingly original, Trick ‘r Treat was a movie that reminded all of us monster kids out there why we fell in love with Halloween in the first place. Full of all the expected ghouls, and a few surprise treats, viewers were given one wild romp through a single evening of one small American town’s Halloween festivities. Not since John Carpenter has the holiday seen such a filmic home, and it is because of this that Trick ‘r Treat stands heads above the competition and easily became the single best horror film released in 2009. Don’t believe me? Watch it yourself and see!
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WORST:
Each one of these movies, in their way, was something of a cinematic abortion. No, really…that’s me being kind.
5.) Friday the 13th - As a general rule, I just can’t get behind remakes. I stand strong by the theory that you shouldn’t try and fix what isn’t broken, and since most remakes of classic horror films are just Hollywood’s way of taking subversive or underground art and turning it into a commercial cash cow, I find the process often deplorable and unnecessary. Never more was this theory proven right than with this Michael Bay produced reimagining of Jason Voorhees. A pithy plot with a bunch of kids who look like they fell out of the CW tree, the ante here was not upped, and the threat was no greater than a hundred movies we’ve seen before. Instead, Friday the 13th just seemed like a bored exercise of typical slasher movie proportions. Jason lost his edge, was reduced to one of the many nameless clones he originally helped spawn, and apparently has become something of a sprinter in the new millennium (hint: part of what made Jason scary in the 80s was that he didn’t run…he didn’t need to, because he was going to get you eventually anyway). Not only was this a horrid reboot to a beloved 80s franchise, it was also pretty much forgettable. Sorry 2009, I still like my Voorhees with a side of Feldman.
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4.) Jennifer’s Body – I wanted to like this movie, and I honestly and truly tried my very best. I’ve long stood up for Diablo Cody, I think she has her eccentricities, but the woman does have a penchant for writing amazing dialogue when the mood strikes her, and even in this lackluster affair, there were moments that the writing did thoroughly shine. However, this tale of high school bitch turned possessed demon just lacked a certain oomph to make it truly enjoyable. Further damaging was the fact that the film was immensely overhyped prior to its release, touting Megan Fox and Cody’s involvement to such a fever pitch that unless the movie was damn near flawless, it was going to disappoint at least a few people. Problematically, Jennifer’s Body was going for that indie-level of cool that tried to convince you of the fact that not only was the movie clever, but that it was self-aware enough to know that it was clever…which sometimes works, if you’re not delivering a movie with such a tepid viewing experience. While not the most horrible thing I’ve ever seen, Jennifer’s Body was overhyped, underdeveloped, and smugly pretentious when it had no right to be, and that’s why I can, in good conscience, say it was one of the major disappointments of 2009.
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3.) The Stepfather - As with the Friday the 13th remake, I saw little need to attempt to reboot this franchise about a menacing family man who demands perfection with blood-letting authority, but because the trailer looked over the top, I couldn’t resist checking it out. I, of course, regretted this decision…but you knew that would be the outcome, or else it wouldn’t be listed here in the “worst” section. I think the problem for me lay in the fact that the role of the titular Stepfather is so inextricably linked to Terry O’Quinn (who played the role with a delicious iconic malevolence), that it was just hard for me to see someone else fill the suit and tie. That said, I could get over myself if the movie was actually good, and to be fair, Dylan Walsh did have some excellent creepster moments, but overall, the movie just didn’t have much in the way of anything outstanding. In fact, as I commented to my film-going companion the night we screened the film, it felt more like we were sitting at home watching a movie made for Lifetime (and without Judith Light, no less), than sitting in the theater watching a supposed major release. Feeling horribly rushed, completely paycheck driven, and dare I say it…PG, The Stepfather remake was nothing to write home about, and made you yearn for the days when your real evil daddy wasn’t Lost.
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2.) A Perfect Getaway - I was not particularly kind to director/writer David Twohy’s tale of a vacation gone horrifically awry when I reviewed it back in August, and as time has passed, I have discovered that my distaste for A Perfect Getaway has not abated much. The movie’s entire ad campaign was based upon a surprise ending that completely ruins any element of surprise when you actually prepare the audience to be shocked (and we weren’t), and the scripted red-herrings were so ill-placed, one could barely stifle a groan at such poorly conceived plot threads. A Perfect Getaway was a movie that imagined itself to be grander in scope than it actually was, and because of that, is almost insufferable in execution. I actually saw this movie on a first date, and luckily the relationship was not decided upon the film we went to see, because we probably would have killed each other in the parking lot. My suggestion: If you need a getaway into the world of cinema, skip this one, because it’s far from perfect.
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1.) Paranormal Activity - Sigh. If there is one film in the last year that I consider to be a complete load of overhyped drivel that weaseled its way into a major multiplex release only to punish any filmgoer who happened to buy a ticket to see said film, I’d probably say it was Michael Bay’s latest Transformers flick. That said, Paranormal Activity comes mind-numbingly close. Immediately upon viewing this wreck of a faux-documentary, I went on record as saying that this movie was like “Blair Witch for the Starbucks set,” and I do not regret these words one iota. If there was a subgenre referred to as “yuppie horror,” this would be its flagship film, because the only people I can see actually enjoying this movie are the average joe Americans who actually do not watch all that many horror movies. True enthusiasts of the genre will see this for what it is: a hype machine that played on familiar tropes and concepts. Claiming your movie is based on real found footage? Seen it! Shooting it all on a shaky handheld camera for an authentic look? Been there! Having a slow build with lack of narrative flow that builds to one penultimate scare? Yawn! Sorry kids, this movie was not all it was cracked up to be, and I have to say the only thing clever about Paranormal Activity was its viral marketing campaign, which was executed so flawlessly, it actually convinced America to go see a movie they otherwise wouldn’t have given a shit about. Well, the advertising worked, but facts still are facts, and once the credits rolled…it was still a movie I didn’t give a shit about. End of story.
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Chris Jacques’ Picks
BEST:
10.) My Bloody Valentine 3D – I haven’t seen this on DVD (nor will I, most likely), so I suppose I can’t really judge how good or bad this movie was without the 3D gimmick. That said, this movie with the 3D was a Hell of a lot of fun. It didn’t skimp on gore or tension for the sake of a PG-13 rating, and was easily among the best remakes in the new wave. I wouldn’t tell the world to run out and see it, but a night of horror could be handled with far less care than this movie provides.
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9.) Deadgirl - What a sick little movie! Unsettling, unnerving, twisted, violent and immoral, this movie was pretty much Horror 101, and it tried something new with the story it told. Plus, my mom hated it just as much as she hated Candyman. That means it’s pretty good.
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8.) Drag Me to Hell - I get the feeling that I might not have liked this movie as much as I did, if not for the fantastic “girl, watch yo’ ass! Don’t go in there!” audience with which I was blessed. But I did get that audience, and that’s the perfect audience to have. It’s not a heavy horror by any means, and didn’t have the enormous “praise Raimi” aura to it that’s kept me from liking all of his other horror offerings, so I could just ride the bloody wave that this horror was and enjoy my time on the crest.
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7.) Antichrist - Holy shit. I had to make sure I saw this, just to see if I’d absolutely hate it and put it on my “Worst of the Year” list or not. Wherever it landed, I knew from the get-go that it simply couldn’t be ignored. Full of vileness, cruelty, pain and just being odd in the absolute, this takes the kind of narrative-shattering work that Lars von Trier’s been doing his whole career and ups the ante with a bloody wrench. I’m pretty sure I’ll never watch this one again, but it worked. It was horrific, it was horror, and in a year that saw very little in the way of truly memorably horror flicks, it stands out amongst the best, whether I actually liked the film or not.
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6.) The Road - Another late entry, I’d actually hoped this would be a lot higher on my list. It’s not that it wasn’t a good, even a great movie; it definitely was. I think that, if anything, it’s a victim of the year (or decade) in which it was released. With so much post-apocalyptic fare out there, whether it was better or worse, The Road just became another variation on the theme. Viggo Mortensen was excellent in it, as was young Kodi Smit-McPhee. Honestly, there was nothing wrong with this movie. It should be higher on my list. But there had to be a #6, I suppose, and viscerally, that’s where this movie sat with me.
5.) Thirst – Of course this is on the list! Now that the U.S. is part of the club that’s getting Park Chan-Wook’s movies in a timely realm of when they’re released, I feel like it’s going to be a sad year that he puts out a movie and I don’t love it. I’m officially a Park Chan-Wook mark, and like Let the Right One In was last year’s vampire flick that horror die-hards hold as a shield against through the heart that is the Twilight franchise, so Thirst is for 2009.
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4.) Laid to Rest - The sheer joy this movie took in wiggling its knife around in the wounds it made was unsettling in that good way that only an enjoyable horror movie can be. People who aren’t fans can’t really get into that “mean” feeling that a movie can have, and how we fans can really dig that, but there’s a world full of Sandra Bullock movies for them. For us, good slasher flicks are ever the rarity, and almost never as gleefully malevolent as Laid to Rest.
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3.) Martyrs – I watched this and sold off my copy within a week of viewing it, sure that I’d never want to watch something so traumatic again…so now I’ve bought the movie twice. Initially shocking and repulsive, Martyrs says a lot more after you let it mingle with your brain a while. For me, it didn’t mingle so much as eat a piece of my brain and occupy its space. So yeah, I loved it, which is a hard thing to say about a movie that so obviously doesn’t love its viewers back.
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2.) The Collector – I didn’t expect a single thing from this movie, but walked out of the movie wanting a ton more. It had plenty of Saw influence, for sure (how could it not with Saw people involved?), but it really played so much more like a traditional giallo. The Devil’s in the details with this one, and I found attention paid to sound cues and such to be really rewarding. It wasn’t even a blip on the radar in theaters, so I’m hoping that more people will get to dig this one on DVD.
1.) Ink - Doesn’t it figure that the best horror/genre flick I saw in the whole year would also probably be the last? Ink had everything I could have wanted in it: simplicity and depth, beauty and ferocity all wrapped up with one gorgeous bow. It’s the first movie I’ve seen in years that I wanted to immediately watch again, and it doesn’t just linger in my mind. Whereas Martyrs ate a piece of my brain, Ink built a house there. It’s running for mayor, and I think it’ll win.
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WORST:
5.) Orphan - Dark Castle Productions, a by-the-numbers script and an ultra-annoying marketing campaign didn’t have me hoping for much with Orphan, and it absolutely delivered on all of its mediocrity. I have no reason to ever watch this movie again, and am having trouble remembering half of it as I write this. Good.
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4.) Pandorum – Did you ever want to see Resident Evil mixed with Underworld and Event Horizon, all get fisted in the ass by an awful editor and stock characters so dumb that your eyes will bleed? If so, Pandorum’s just the movie for you! In seeing this lump, I was reminded of the mistake I made a few years ago in seeing the movie Mindhunters. And for that alone, it gets on the worst list for 2009. It wouldn’t have needed to meet any other criteria, but it was also an awful movie that was full of nothing and thought that the world needed another movie with a lot of monster ass-kicking. The world doesn’t need that. I hope that the final box-office tallies for this piece of shit prove that.
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3.) Halloween 2 - This movie wasn’t just boring, jarring in that “I just directed my 1st MTV video” kind of way and shockingly ridiculous, it was also THE letdown that I imagine so many people thought Halloween III: Season of the Witch was back in 1983. H2, as far as lumps of fecal matter go, blew that (perceived) one right out of the toilet, with a splash so obnoxiously loud that one couldn’t help but hear it. I don’t know how Zombie did it, but he managed to write a script without a single likable character, absolutely pointless violence and a completely insignificant resolution. So there’s going to be a 3rd one? Honestly, who could possibly care about a 3rd Halloween redux after every character in the film was so relentlessly shit upon in this installment?
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2.) Horsemen - Uninspired, boring, wasteful, annoying, derivative crap. And Dennis Quaid. He was in Pandorum, too, wasn’t he? Well, I suppose that the only person Mr. Quaid has to make happy in his life is himself…I hope he is. He just happens to make me very sad.
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1.) Cockhammer – This was easily the worst movie I’ve seen this year or any other. Nothing else even comes close. Even when I was young and saw my first Jim Van Bebber movie, I knew that there was something there that wasn’t clicking for me. It was bad, sure, but not fully bad. Not so with Cockhammer. Nothing’s good, nothing’s funny, and a 90-something minute movie took me three weeks to watch. I’ve never hated reviewing movies more than while I was reviewing that one, and all I can say in its defense is that it is, for me, finally over and done.
Noel’s Picks
BEST:
The best thing about 2009: It wasn’t 2008.
10.) Zombieland – BM’s West Coast Hospitality makes this the breeziest 82 minutes of ‘09. Plus, kudos to Jessie Eisenberg for starring in 2 movies with the word ‘Land’ in one calendar year. And though the temptation may be strong, please refrain from vandalizing an Indian Casino until we really are in a zombie apocalypse.
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9.) The House of the Devil – I don’t remember the actual 80’s being as much fun as this movie and what it lacks in scares it makes up by being very creepy. And I’m not just talking about the hair. I’m still wondering about what was in that pizza though…
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8.) Antichrist – Yes, it’s laughable and pretentious at times (most of the time, actually- I wonder if that deer was aware of the baby…in its ass), but when it hits, it hits very, very hard. If you’ve ever wanted to see copious shots Willem Defoe’s penis and foxes (actual foxes, not the euphemism for a hot girl) eating themselves out…look no further, and keep a bucket near you. After you watch it, you’ll know why.
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7.) Orphan – Any girl willing to put her own arm in a vice deserves to be on this list. And that isn’t even the sickest thing little Esther does in this movie as the couch scene provides one of the best “Ewww” moments of 2009. I found myself rooting for Esther simply because the family she invades is made up (with the exception of Vera Farmiga) of oblivious morons and deserve what’s coming to them.
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6.) Grace – Makes me glad I’m never going to be a mother and redefines the term “High-Needs Baby”. Short on the usual jolt-scares but nevertheless throws you for a gut-churning loop because none of what Jordan Ladd is completely unreasonable considering she’s a new mother. That final shot is a nut-shriveler.
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5.) Drag Me to Hell – The most fun I’ve had in a movie theater this year that didn’t involve Brad Pitt torturing Nazis. Whether it’s the talking goats or the nosebleed that never ends, Sam Raimi’s return to horror showed what a good time a horror movie can be when done well, and why it’s such a downer when it sucks.
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4.) Trick ‘R Treat - While this languishes in non-release hell for the past 2 years, about 14 Saw movies are released in the interim. That decision is idiotic beyond description. How ‘bout a little fight between Trick ‘r Treat’s Sam and any of those dorky Jigsaws? We know who’d win, though Jigsaw would have an edge boring you to death. But at least we can watch it now, and see some real werewolves for a change.
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3.) Pontypool - As someone who writes for a living, the thought of words being the cause of some much death and destruction unnerves me more than I ever thought it could. Light on the gore (except for one indelible scene), this Canadian gem set mostly in a radio booth shows how suggestion of blood and mayhem can be more effective that showing it whole hog…or Canadian Bacon. Some of the best off-kilter acting this year as your nerves will get worn every time you hear someone repeat something more times than necessary, especially when they repeat something more times than necessary.
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2.) Thirst – The REAL vampire love story of the year. Dark and bloody and subtitled, Chan Wook Park’s easiest to digest movie arguably has the best love/hate/kill relationship of 2009. Funnier than you’d ever expect. I mean intentionally funny, unlike the vaginal vamps of New Moon. If your significant other dragged/forced you to snooze through Twilight 2 last November, hit that bitch up for some payback by making her watch this. Don’t worry, you’ll stay awake this time.
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1.) End of the Line – Religious cults/nuts scare me because history has proven that once these collective loons really think that Jesus, Allah or some kind of deity is actually talking to them through a statue of Elvis or via their dollar Banquet meals to the exclusion of anything resembling common sense, they are capable of doing some pretty heinous shit. The end of the world scares me because I’m liable to be one of the final survivors that happen to be surrounded by the religious nuts that believe they are “saved” and that they are going to “release” me with a dandy dose of grape Kool-Aid or a knife to the heart. Subways scare me because your chances of getting flashed or mugged are pretty much equal. Throw all these in one low-budget mix and you get the only movie that actually scared me long after I finished watching. And that baby is just so squishy.
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WORST:
5.) Saw VI – Jigsaw takes on health care. Even fewer people than usual watch. I know these movies don’t make any money anymore, but could we get some real actors please, and someone pay the goddamn electric bill, as porn seems to have higher production value.
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4.5.) Saw VII – Might as well get it over with
4.) Donkey Punch – This is what happens when a title is infinitely more interesting than the movie.
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3.) The Uninvited – A tepid PG-13 remake that’s remarkably scare and tension free. Yeah, since it was released January you’ve forgotten it a long time ago. Now you can remember how bored you were. David Strathairn, you should really be ashamed of yourself.
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2.) The Stepfather – Another tepid PG-13 remake that’s remarkably scare and tension free. We’ve been inundated with a lot of those this decade, so why should 2009 be any different. But who doesn’t like to see the Cat Lady fall and can’t get up?
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1.) Halloween II – Rob Zombie’s pompous and inert sequel to a pretty good 2007 first movie saves itself from being a total blip in the horror radar by being so stupid that it’s actually funny. Someone kick Scout Compton for screaming all her lines and saying ‘fuck’ like a junior high kid. Malcolm MacDowell gives one the worst screen perfs of 2009…and I’m sure he knows that so that should be punishment enough. Stupidest/Funniest Kill of 2009 – Mike Myers hiding behind a TREE to off one of Haddonfield’s moron-cops. If someone’s dumb enough to buy the DVD, then this is one of the few rewind-worthy scenes. Still, it takes balls to close on a shot mirroring Psycho, especially in a movie this bad.
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Jeffery Timbrell’s Picks
BEST:
10.) The Human Centipede - You’ve had enough of Torture Porn? Well say hello to 100% Accurate Medical Science Freak-show Porn. The feel-good story of three people who are being surgically connected ass to mouth to form “a single digestive unit”, The Human Centipede is one of those movies you use to clear out a room full of people and remind your grandparents why they think you’re slowly transforming into a serial killer. It’s hideously hilarious and surreal trash for the sake of trash featuring strong performances, gut-wrenching moments and an absolutely unrepentant and unforgettable flair as it wallows in its stygian pit of subhuman delight. But hey, this is the horror genre and we are nothing if not the home of the unwanted, the unwatchable and the unforgivable.
9.) Grace - The heart-worming story of a pregnant woman who carries a still born baby to full term, only to have it come alive! Full of anxieties connected to pregnancy, child-birth and childbearing, Grace is a ghoulish movie that plays with our deepest set fears; sinking its fingers all the way into our primal lizard brains, generating knee-jerk, instinctual reactions of dread and disgust. This movie was responsible for people fainting in the cinema during screenings and for inspiring thousands of women watching to get their tubes tied. But the zombie baby was soooo cute!
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8.) Trick ‘r Treat – The feel-good horror flick of the year, Trick ‘r Treat is a throwback to old school Creepshow, anthology-style 80s horror, set back in the days when horror flicks were something that kids and adults could both love for various reasons, regardless of their content rating. Trick ‘r Treat is a rare seasonal horror flick for the whole family that is entrenched in Halloween spirit and mischief. Any film that has Brian Cox playing John Carpenter being tormented by a Halloween-themed unstoppable monster, while werewolves roam the woods, zombie Mongoloid children rise from their murky graves and serial killers share a seasonal carving with their children is aces in my book.
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7.) Martyrs – In horror cinema there is The Good, the Bad and the Canadian. Martyrs is Canadian. A mixture of the French new-wave of brutally sadistic realistic horror with the classic unsettling Canuxploitation well known for its trappings of body horror, intense weirdness and graphic violence; Martyrs hates the world and wants to hurt you with a baseball bat. The difference between this movie and its contemporaries, is that Martyrs is a film set on a path of violent cynicism and glorious self-destructive misanthropy, where getting through it becomes a feat of strength as it goes from strange, to horrific, to just plain insane turning its final running minutes into a cavalcade of ‘can you top this?’ moments of brutality and sadism. It nearly got an X-rating in its native France, and let me tell you Bubba, when the French are considering censoring your film, it is one baaaaaaaaad motherfucker.
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6.) The Pot – A scathing indictment of evangelical bible-thumping crazies set against the backdrop of a suffocating family life, Korean horror flick The Pot is Kim Tae-gon’s launching pad. It’s a tiny budget indie horror flick that was actually funded by Kim Tae-gon’s University (and kudos to them for doing it), and it showcases a writer/director with an impressive flair for storytelling and casting and a sense of bold honesty in his approach to his subject matter. The Pot reminds me of Repulsion and that’s a very good thing; Kim Tae-gon’s shots aren’t as polished as they could be, but his enthusiasm and fearlessness make up for his inexperience.
5.) Deadgirl - Now this is a truly unsettling movie. The story of a couple of teenage boys who find an undead zombie girl in an abandoned mental health center and turn her into a sexual slave sounds exploitive and trashy on paper, but its execution makes the content stone-cold serious and positively chilling. The film makes no bones about its commentary regarding the objectification of women and misogynism and its assault on sexist teenage mentalities takes a horrific concept and transforms it into a serious social commentary that can easily stand outside of its genre.
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4.) Possessed - A case-study in why you should never generalize a film by its genre and why critics who do so should be fired from a cannon into a brick-wall; Lee Yong-Ju’s Possessed looks like a K-Horror derivative of the long-haired Asian girl Ringu/Grudge genre, but looks are deceiving. Possessed is a tremendously ambitious and well-crafted suspense-horror, which puts an emphasis on intelligence, story and atmosphere over cheap-scares, fake-outs and the cash-grab. Possessed is a low-budget horror movie with brains and heart, and is the best in its genre since Tale of Two Sisters.
3.) REC 2 – Jaume Balagueró returns with a punch for the amazing REC 2, which continues to be the best and most effective of the hand-held shaky-cam film genre. Featuring a plot-line that splits in several different directions with elements of The Exorcist and Evil Dead combined with a masterful use of atmosphere and action, REC 2 takes the viewer on a whirlwind ride through a haunted house of infected zombies and possessed demons leading to a shocking conclusion that changes the whole scope of the series.
2.) The Children - Effective and paranoid, British horror gem The Children is by-far the scariest horror film involving little kids on a rampage, since Narciso Ibáñez Serrador’s Who Can Kill a Child. Tom Shankland slowly transforms an isolated Christmas vacation into a mounting, uncomfortable and emotionally tense time-bomb that eventually explodes into a maelstrom of violence and hideous brutality. The film relies on characterization to carry the weight of its effectiveness and uses uncomfortable relationships between the older characters and their younger counterparts to slowly lead to its apocalyptic conclusion. The Children is very simple, very smart and very effective.
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1.) (Tie) Antichrist and Thirst – These two films are probably two of the most underrated and important films of the year, in any genre. They are both massively superior to the majority of safe, banal, mediocre ‘great movies’ that are currently being listed in Critics Top 10 rankings and that were nominated for Golden Globes Best Picture. Daring, passionate and challenging, Park-Chan Wook’s Thirst is the most scorching commentary on religious-guilt since Buñuel’s Viridiana, and Lars von Trier’s grotesque masterpiece Antichrist is a brilliant postmodernist deconstruction of classic cinematic conventions and modern thinking regarding relationships and nature, that is as confrontational as it is stylistically brilliant. They are both superior works of art that demolish conventional filmmaking and construct worlds of emotional turmoil painted onto canvases of psychological dread. They both have incredible, daring and layered performances from some of the best actors in the world, and they are both dedicated, truly, completely and totally to the art of making people uneasy. And looking at the reception they’ve received, outraging stuffy and pouty critics across the planet while impressing filmmakers and artists, they have accomplished their goal with flying colours and are both deserving of being called The Best Horror Movie of the year.
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Honorable Mention: Missing - A thrilling return to low-budget genre work by Korean director Kim Seong-hong (Say Yes) involving the terrifying real-life story of an elderly serial killer in Korea who was a fisherman in his 70s. Missing is a stark, suspenseful and simplistic thriller dealing with a woman who goes looking for her missing sister only to find herself face to face with a bonafide monster. The lead performance by prolific veteran Seong-kun Mun is electrifying and takes an already strong film and makes it that much more intense.
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