Zombie Strippers (2008)
Review by Noel
If the term ‘must-see’ ever needed to be applied to a film, let it be branded unto Zombie Strippers. This film NEEDS to be seen…
Not because it’s a good film by any means (FAR from it), but because it’s Zombie-fuckin’-Strippers! Like you need another excuse.
I’d be willing to bet my final wrinkly (soon-to-be-lathered) dollar bill that Zombie Strippers will make top 10 lists of horror films at the end of the year, both in the Best and Worst. It’s only 90 minutes kids, so you don’t have much to lose, except your brain cells, but if paid to see Shutter or Prom Night, then you’re not exactly the discerning, picky type, are you?.
But I’m guessing you were already making plans to see this, but couldn’t find a theater close enough.
The plot (like we care) is as follows…
I might be missing a story line or two (not that it’s all that hard to follow), but it’s Zombie Strippers and no one gives a tassel’s fuck about plot.
But why not?
It’s the near future. We know this because the movie has a title card that says “In the Near Future…” in the beginning. Bush has been elected to his 4th term as President (INSERT your own political joke HERE), but our nation’s armed forces has been stretched thin due to the wars in “Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon, Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela, France, Canada, and Alaska.”
The W Corporation has a solution: Zombie Soldiers or…Zombie Supersoldiers.
Good idea, huh? But something goes awry and a member of a Special Forces team named Birdflough is bitten. He makes his way (randomly) into a strip bar and gives the best dancer Cat (future Oscar Winner and former fuck-film icon Jenna Jameson) a little more than a tip. He turns her into a bloody zombie. Which seems to make her a better dancer.
Better Dancer = More Tips from randy men looking to shed some cash.
The Club’s sleazeball owner (Robert Englund acting strictly for the paycheck) likes that the clientele are much more willing to part with their hard (and hard-on) earned dollars, even if it means a dead body or two, severed heads and other parts. It’s all for the good of the business. And you gotta love those lapdances. Ewww…
What follows is a meaningful dialogue about sexual repression in our society, using mis-en-scene, and music cues from Mozart in his “blue” period. Also, there’s some nice imagery harkening to the repressive-
-Oh, I’m kidding. It’s Zombie Strippers!! Which means there’s Zombies!! Strippers!! ZOMBIE STRIPPERS!!
What works about Zombie Strippers:
1.) A healthy amount of gore for those of you who wish to see a different kind of flesh displayed. My favorite: A head being torn apart by the jaw.
2.) Madame Blavatski (Carmit Levit)- She’s the best character in the movie (clothed anyway). She has a Russian accent, and I couldn’t remember much of what she said, but damn was it funny.
3.) The star of Please Cum Inside Me and Where The Boys Aren’t 15, Jenna Jameson- As far as doing your first non-porno, film, you could do a lot worse than Zombie Strippers. You could do a lot better too, but that’s beside the point. As Cat, Jameson is hired to exude sexuality, and that she does well. As well as spend 3/4ths of the movie topless. That she does well also. One small step in her quest to be taken seriously as an actress…
4.) A stripper tackled onstage- It’s a genuinely funny rewind-worthy moment.
5.) During the opening news-crawl, read the other bylines flashing by. They’re as funny as anything in the movie.
6.) “I’m running out of clichés.”
7.) Jenna Jameson’s 2008 Oscar Clip for Best Supporting Actress – “Everything great must first wear a hideous and monstrous mask in order to inscribe themselves in the hearts of humanity” – Brought tears to my eyes.
8.) Jessie’s picture of Jesus and her motivation for stripping (“Nana’s Colostomy Bag”).
9.) Within the first 30 minutes of this movie, we see no less than 6 stripper sets. Who needs things like plot and meaningful (or even coherent) characters when you have STRIPPERS!!
Strippers in Diary of the Dead = It would have been a lot less pretentious and a lot more fun to sit through than its droning “meaningful,” “deep” dialogue. You could ignore the shitty dialogue and see titties!!
Strippers in I Am Legend = A good reason to be the last man on Earth.
Strippers in Resident Evil: Extinction = Actually, nothing would have saved that movie.
Strippers in The After Dark Horrorfest = The best After Dark Horrorfest EVER!! Who cares if 99.98% of the movies suck?
You get the point…
10.) Cat’s zombie lap dance- Complete with complimentary dick-chomping.
11.) The climactic dance-off between Cat and Jeannie (Shamron Moore- apparently Meryl Streep was busy)- When the ping-pong balls come out, then you know it’s on!! If you’re wondering what completely naked women would be doing with ping-pong balls…use your imagination. You’re first guess is probably the right one. And then the cue balls break out…(“WAR-RIORS, COME OUT TO PLAYYYYY!!!!”).
12.) Cat reading Nietzsche upside down (“Makes so much more sense now”).
What doesn’t work:
1.) It’s…not…very…good. But it’s Zombie Strippers. You knew that going in.
2.) Robert Englund- I almost feel sorry for him. Does he really need the work that bad? Because I have some laundry that needs to be done. I’m surprised writer/director/DP/editor Jay Lee didn’t wrangle Ken Foree or John Saxon, because what the fuck are they doing now?
3.) Paco the Mexican janitor- You’ll either be pissed or laughing uncomfortably at this complete (seemingly purposely) stereotyped character. Complete with sombrero and…burro.
4.) Misty Mundae is nowhere to be seen. WTF?
This is probably the worst movie I’m ever going to recommend, but it’s…Zombie Strippers…and begs to be seen. You’ll see it anyway, even if you don’t admit it. Destined to be seen by boys not old enough to download or rent Jenna’s other films, it’s 90 minutes that’ll just make you feel better about your life.
Buy it on Amazon
Check out the Zombie Strippers trailer:
Popularity: 3% [?]
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