Wilderness Survival for Girls
Review by Noel
Amidst the harried hubbub and hullabaloo of the holidays, we do what we can not to be caught up in the mordant maelstrom of much-commercialized merrymaking…lest, in a fit we end up shooting ourselves (last) and our family (first) in a fermented funky fugue of holiday depression…
Okay, I realize that last part didn’t have as much alliteration…Sorry.
But what I was trying to get at was that we need a little distraction from the craziness of the season, and horror fans hearken for that 90-120 minute relief that seeing a good horror movie gives them.
After that, then you can return to the real-life horror of seeing those relatives you don’t want to, like (your uncle that touched you on your bathing suit area) or (that grandma who thinks you’re her daughter Lila who died 15 years ago)…
Fortunately, fans of Fatally-Yours.com, forefend your mundane fear for one that you can stop and start with a flick of a flexible finger with…Wilderness Survival for Girls.
Three girls go into the mountains for a weekend getaway in a remote cabin…
There’s…
Ruth (Jeannette Brox)- she’s a mousy virgin who insists on calling her parents “To let them know we made it to the cabin okay.” She hates guns and is way too trusting.
Deb (Megan Henning)- she’s a sarcastic, budding lesbian. She has glasses and wears a turtleneck. If her hair were shorter she’d be a dead ringer for Velma on Scooby Doo.
Kate (Ali Humiston)- she’s the mean, tough one. She has red highlights on her brunette head and is actually a dead ringer for Sherri Moon Zombie. You know she’s the crazy one because she’s the only on the movie who ends up topless. And she brings a FAT bag of weed.
I’m wrong. Deb ends up topless as well.
Anywhoo, while on their first night at the cabin, as they’re smoking the Mary Jane (in the afivementioned fat baggie), a mysterious stranger appears at the door (James Morrison- no, not the lead singer for The Doors Jim Morrison…because he’s dead…but that would be cool if it WERE Jim Morrison come back from the dead to star in low budget horror movie…Wouldn’t it?) and…
…Let’s just say it turns into a night none of them will EVER forget.
You know it’s serious because I wrote ‘ever’ in capitals…
I could reveal more of the story, but I think the surprises are what make this movie very, very effective. I promise you if I revealed more, then you’d be mad at me when you saw it…
What works about Wilderness Survival For Girls:
1.) Like in The Descent, you know enough about the relationship between the girls to make up who might work with, and/or betray each other.
2.) A frank discussion about female masturbation- “You put your twat underneath the nozzle…”So that’s how that works…
3.) I’d be willing to bet even the most astute horror fans won’t be able to tell too far ahead where this story is headed. Writer/directors/spouses (how cute!) Eli Despres and Kim Roberts effectively set up the viewer to go one way…then go the other. You’re on your toes throughout the movie, more than you’d ever expect to be.
4.) 3 girls alone for the weekend…in the forest. Alone. You know what that means…LESBIAN EXPERIMENTATION!!
But, this is a PG-13 movie, so there’s only kissy-kissy, no labia licky-licky. Sorry, kids. I know you don’t actually lick the labia…but it’s for alliteration’s sake.
5.) The acting is as good as it needs to be.
6.) The ending is effectively haunting- “You guys want to get something to eat….”
7.) Such a great title.
What doesn’t work:
1.) Yes, it’s that moment in horror films, even referenced in other horror films, when you yell at a character NOT to do something REALLY STUPID. Kids, there are two moments in this movie like that.
2.) There are more than a couple of moments of implausibility that you either have to forgive or else the movie wouldn’t go on…or grouse about until the movie’s over, and kvetch about it some more as the credits roll.
There you have it, so before you strangle your brother for stealing your favorite ornament, watch Wilderness Survival for Girls, to gain some much needed perspective.
And then strangle him.
Popularity: 9% [?]
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