Unborn Sins (2008)
Review by Noel
Gotta confess something before you actually begin reading this: I haven’t actually seen this entire movie…
I received the screener for this in the mail about 2-3 weeks ago and attempted three separate times to watch it. But after the third time I took it out of my player and threw it into the trash, where I am sure it is now polluting my garbage as you read this. I feel sorry for my trash. It didn’t deserve this abusive treatment.
I thought that THAT, more than any review I could possibly write would convey more of the life-draining nature of the endurance test that is Brain Damage Films’ (appropriately named, but not in a good way) Unborn Sins. It was endurance test that I failed and am proud to escape with my life. Was there a possibility that the remaining 30-40 plus minutes might have improved? Sure, but not fucking likely, and after three times, I was no longer willing to try again and find out. But if you’d like to see it, my garbage gets taken out every Friday morning, so you’ve got some time…
But I like you, and I wouldn’t put you through that. You and I go back a long way like that time in College when you took my Econ final by pretending to be me. I’ll never forget that, and so it’s about time I return the favor and beg you not to watch, not to consider, not to think about watching writer/director Elliot Eddie’s, apparently shot on Beta, Unborn Sins. I’m sure I did something in past life, or maybe even last week to deserve this cinematic torture, and I was never sorrier than the 40 minutes I spent trying to endure this…
The “Plot”:
Theresa (played by an “actress” whom I didn’t even bother to look at the credits to ID because I’m pretty sure I’m doing her a favor by not writing her name) is getting an abortion. Before she goes to the clinic she gets a box with a doll.
A freaky black and white doll with bushy hair. What does it mean? I’m sure I would have found out if I bothered to finish the movie.
It turns out this doll has a human counterpart, and takes it upon itself to kill people that had something to do with Theresa getting pregnant. That’s as far as I got before I finally got disgusted and the disc met the orange rinds at the bottom of the trash, and yes I just dwindled 40 excruciating minutes into a couple of sentences. Yet, I think I’m embellishing kids, because really, nothing much happens. Nothing gets stimulated except the urge to ram a pencil through your head, Joker-Style…
What works (relatively speaking) with Unborn Sins:
1.) That after three tries, I was finally smart enough to throw this fucking thing away.
2.) That this “movie” will dissolve into the abyss of obscurity so one else will have to suffer through this.
3.) There is however, a title card that appears, reading “45 minutes later” which looks very professional. That stated, it’s the most professional thing about the movie, because it sure isn’t the “acting”, the “directing” or the “story”.
What doesn’t work: Honestly, I don’t have the time, but I’ll TRY to narrow it down
1.) Like I wrote earlier, it looks like it was shot on Beta, and EVERY shot is overlit like someone stole a floodlight and used it to light every shot. I think that the postage used to mail this to me was worth more than the entire budget. But it’s the things that cost nothing, like story and halfway competent acting ability, that the “movie” falls on its dollar menu budget ass.
2.) The “doll” creature looks like a guy in a Danskin, doesn’t exactly appear scary, and even the knife he’s carrying looks like it was on the half-price bin at the Dollar Tree, which is where I presume the “Production” team got most of the props…and acting “talent” (so many “”””””).
3.) There’s an ambient hissing sound throughout the movie as the sound team hadn’t been given their meds before they got off the short bus. If you think I’m being unnecessarily mean, remember, YOU didn’t have try to watch this.
4.) Random pointless sequence: There’s a scene of a guy dancing for about a minute. The purpose: none, just a guy dancing. Badly.
5.) Random pointless sequence 2: For a minute and a half, there’s a sequence of people playing basketball. I’m not kidding. The worst thing: it’s not even good basketball, as you can see more bricks laid than the Spurs in last year’s conference Finals against the Lakers.
6.) On a fake TV ad, you can overhear an announcer say that the New York Knicks are the World Champions, and the Elliot Eddie is a “superstar film producer and director.” I’m not sure which is more of a sad fantasy: that the Knicks will be World Champs anytime this century, or (based on Unborn Sins), the Elliot Eddie will be a superstar film producer and director. Maybe when you make a movie someone can FINISH, then we begin talking superstar…
I’m more than sure there’s something else wrong with the movie, but I didn’t bother to finish it. Hopefully you won’t even start it.
On the plus side, I’m pretty sure any review I write after this will be freakin’ Suspiria by comparison…
Available from Amazon
Popularity: 3% [?]
[ ‹‹ Survival (2008) The Seer (2008) ›› ]
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