Trapped Ashes (2008)
Review by Noel
Six strangers, led by a helpful tour guide, take a VIP tour of Ultra Studios as they all have received special tickets that allow them unrestricted access through the studio grounds. They stop off at the famous “Hysteria House,” where the apparently super-famous horror film Hysteria was shot.
They look around, explore, take pictures and do whatever tourists do at these types of places, but eventually they end up in the same room…
…but it seems they can’t escape. Oops.
But our ever-halcyon tour guide (Henry Gibson) suggests something that may be helpful, or at least pass the time away. It seems that in the movie Hysteria, in the exact same room, the characters told stories about themselves, personal stories, horrible stories, before they were set free by the evil presence in the house.
What the hell, let’s tell scary stories, just like in the movie…and so they do. Maybe, just maybe it’ll get us the heck out of this freak house…But does it?
Or do they die of boredom, much like any audience watching Trapped Ashes will? One realizes that these anthology movies featuring different “Tales of Terror” are hit-and-miss, but it’s really sad when they all seem to fall flat. The scariest thing about this movie is how mind-numbing it is, considering the talent involved. To whit, the stories:
The Girl with The Golden Breasts (directed by Ken Russell) – A wannabe actress Phoebe (Rachel Veltri), isn’t getting any work, and she isn’t getting any younger. Is it her ability? Is it her nose? Eyes? No. It might be…her boobies. Or lack of them. So, Pheobe gets jobbed, but these jigglies have something in them besides silicone, and the results are some tenacious Ta-Tas
Jibaku (directed by Sean S. Cunningham) – I have no idea what Jibaku means, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s translated into “crappy entry in bad anthology film.” It revolves around Henry and Julia (Scott Lowell and Lara Harris) on a business trip to Japan, who are also trying to inject some sexual steam into their loveless marriage (“I’ve got your Pacific Rim right here”). But at a party, a Japanese guy catches Julia’s eye, and soon enough she’s fantasizing about fucking him. That’s a bad idea, as said nameless Japanese guy hangs himself. But that doesn’t seem to bother the guy from violating Julia…from the grave. There’s also a talking cave in the movie.
Stanley’s Girlfriend (directed by Monte Hellman) – Stanley and Leo are friends. But Stanley gets a girlfriend Nina. Stanley goes to Europe to direct movies. Leo and Nina hook up. A lot. Also a bad idea.
My Twin, The Worm (directed by John Gaeta) – Woman gets pregnant. Unfortunately woman also has a parasitic worm along with fetus. Bad dilemma: can’t get rid of worm without hurting fetus. So woman continues with pregnancy. Yeah, that’s bad.
What works in Trapped Ashes- I’m being as nice as I can here, as one has to sift through lots of crap to find something worthwhile:
1.) Henry Gibson as the Tour Guide- an expression of bemusement on his face throughout the film, he makes the film seem more interesting than it turns out to be.
2.) Some excellent shots of animation (Jibaku).
3.) Silicone gone wrong (Girl w/ Golden Breasts)!!! My nights will be forever sleepless. I’m so glad I didn’t get that boob job back in ’04, and so is my wife.
4.) Stanley (Stanley’s Girlfriend) – when it’s implied who ‘Stanley’ is…film buffs may smile. I promise, I’m not Shining you on my little droogies…
5.) The morning after – you know how after you’ve slept with the person and looked at them the next morning that he/she may not have looked as good when you were wasted. Imagine that, except the next morning the person you were having sex with is…a desiccated corpse. Talk about Coyote Ugly…
6.) Phoebe’s breasts are…killer. Don’t lick them, no matter how tempted you may be.
7.) Director Ken Russell makes cameo in drag and takes one for Team Manboob.
8.) Dr. Lucy, Dr. Charlotte, and Dr. Judith.
9.) Dick Miller!!!
What doesn’t work:
1.) It’s sad when the first story of the anthology is the best one (The Girl with the Golden Breasts), and it’s not even that scary or interesting.
2.) Stanley’s girlfriend plays like something that should be on the Weepy Bitch Network than something that supposed to be a horror film.
3.) Bad French accents (My Twin, The Worm)- “Thees Eesz Stoopit!” Yeah, so is this movie.
4.) Twist at the end doesn’t justify what you had to sit through to get to it.
5.) If you can count five times in the movie you were actually scared, you’ve counted six more times than I did.
Overall. Skip it. Old X-Files episodes are scarier than anything in this movie. Or watch it, and be disgusted at how such talented filmmakers are rendered completely ineffectual. But don’t feel trapped with Trapped Ashes, after Girl with the Golden Breasts, press STOP.
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Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 10:25 am | Filed under Horror Reviews.
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