The Last Winter (2006)
Review by Noel
What’s the first thing that pops into your head when you think of Alaska?
Cold, right?
But after sitting through the disappointing The Last Winter and having endured last October’s 30 Days in my Seat, I mean 30 Days of Night (review), I will now associate Alaska- along with the cold- as a place to never-ever-ever set a horror movie as it will turn out like so much thawed excrement.
At least The Last Winter doesn’t have Josh Hartnett in it, which is a plus for any movie. But wouldn’t you know it, The Last Winter is a horror movie…with a message. A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE about the environment. I can almost hear your groans through the screens, kids. But at least now YOU don’t have to watch it…
Let’s get through this together, shall we…
As previously established, The Last Winter is set in Alaska, where it’s cold, bleak, and white. But there’s oil in them thar flurries of snow, and a company named North is determined to drill and set up a pipeline like any good capitalist company. They’ve got a team set up to do so- Let’s meet them, shall we?
1.) Ed, played by the ever gruff Ron Perlman (Hellboy, that dorky Beauty and the Beast TV show from the 90’s). He the leader guy. You can tell because he spouts and shouts lines like “I’m in charge!!” Sure enough, he’s in charge because the people listen.
2.) Abby, played by Connie Britton (she’s the MILF with the mostest on that TV show Friday Night Lights), is Ed’s right hand man…um, woman. She’s smart, dependable and is shacking up with-
3.) Jim, played by indie film stalwart James Legros- He’s the wildcard, an environmentalist sent to check off everything the team is doing, to make sure that every move, every procedure is A-OK with Mother Nature.
4.) There are other members of the team but we don’t care about them because their purpose is to die.
But it turns out, things aren’t going very well. There’s “atmospheric abnormalities” all over the place. We’ve got rain (which is apparently odd in below 0 degree weather) one day and heavy snow the next. We’ve also got a guy named Maxwell (Zach Gilford) who goes missing…
…and comes back hours later…changed. And not for the better.
Maxwell isn’t sleeping, he isn’t eating, and everybody on the team is worried. Well, they needn’t worry anymore because a day later Maxwell goes out naked into the snow and dies being nice enough to tape everything that happens. Being naked in sub-zero weather will probably kill you…but will it necessarily leave your eyes plucked out? Because that’s what happens to good ol’ Max.
And things start to get worse for the team. Or so we’re told. Or so we’re promised as horror fans.
But what results after a relatively decent setup isn’t much to write home about…
What works with The Last Winter:
1.) James Le Gros does a believable job playing the best developed character in the movie. “Believable” is a compliment when it comes to this film, trust me.
2.) “Do you see it?!!! They’re out there!!!”- creepy POV shot.
3.) Death by nosebleed.
4.) Baked Alaska- nice lingering shots of a burn victim
5.) Jim’s…Notebook of the Unstable.
6.) Some nice shots of…creatures. But by the time you see them, it’s much too little, much too late.
7.) Dawn (Joanne Shenandoah) losing her mind with a pillow is the only genuinely scary part of this movie.
What doesn’t work:
1.) Like I wrote earlier, the premise is relatively well set up, but you spend the entire movie waiting for it to deliver the goods…and all you do is keep waiting…
2.) Crows = Death. Yeah, we get it.
3.) VERY IMPORTANT ENVIRONMENTAL MESSAGE- Take care of the earth, kids. Or else she will strike back with shitty movies about Alaska.
4.) I hate when I’m sleeping in my bed and then a plane crashes right by it. I laughed during this part. I don’t think it was the desired reaction.
5.) A game of ice football that does nothing but take up running time.
6.) The Ending- remember how bleak you felt at the end of the The Mist? The Last Winter TRIES something like that, but only succeeds in copping out like a little bitch. You want more…and then you realize you’ve spent the entire flippin’ movie wanting MORE.
Despite The Last Winter being a substandard movie, it did make me think about the environment. Maybe we could start by not wasting natural resources on movies like…The Last Winter.
See you next week for more environmentally conscious reviews…and stay away from movies set in Alaska.
Watch The Last Winter trailer:
Popularity: 6% [?]
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