The Fog (2005)
Review by Noel
Unless I’m mistaken, isn’t the usual remake policy to remake a good movie, and THEN fuck it up with a retarded remake? We’ve all seen it too many times for it to be a surprise, especially in the horror genre when this year alone, there have been three major release horror remakes and it’s not even March. Remakes are a fact of movie life and the only thing you can do about them if you hate them that much is not to see them.
Even then it really doesn’t help…
But what I found curious back in 2005 was that someone was willing to remake John Carpenter’s 1981 cult (“cult” defined in terms of this movie: five out of a million people actually like it) classic The Fog (review) at all…since it wasn’t a very good movie to begin with, and even Carpenter admits to some degree that he flubbed that one and that it’s nowhere on the list of his own favorite movies. All I remember (or really want to remember) from the original is Jamie Lee Curtis and Adrienne Barbeau…and it wasn’t because of their acting I can tell you that.
Then you learn that Carpenter and Debra Hill are producing the remake with music video director (rarely a good sign) Rupert Wainright and a screenplay by Cooper Lane and you hope that by some miracle that they have rectified the mistakes of the past…
And then you watch it.
For those of you who’ve seen it I’m guessing it was the 20 minute mark (and I’m being very generous there) when you realized this movie was more abysmal than the original. That’s not surprising in the least considering it’s a remake, but you also got the feeling that they were TRYING to make the worst movie possible, from the casting, directing, to the we’re-not-gonna-try-to-salvage-this-movie-by-spending-any-more-on-it discounted special effects, to the…
…You get it if you’ve seen it. And if you haven’t, I envy you and so does everyone else.
Why, you might ask, am I reviewing it if I hate it so much? Guilt.
In 2006, for whatever reason I got The Fog remake as a gift from a relative who noticed I didn’t have it on my shelves (for good reason). When I received it, I had to do the “face”. You know the one where you have to fake being neutral about receiving a lame gift like socks or a keychain so you don’t hurt the gifter’s feelings because it was obvious they thought about what to get you even though they misread you completely.
There. Now I feel less guilty because after almost 3 years I have finally opened the movie and viewed it. End of true confession.
Antonia Bay, Oregon – it’s a quiet sleepy fishing town about to celebrate a red-letter date in its history. Something about its four founding fathers founding the town. In these tiny little burgs, that’s equivalent to a statewide orgy with free beer and chimichangas because it’s one of the few times that the town stays open past 8pm
Nick Castle (TV’s Tom Welling showing you why he belongs on TV, but at least this movie’s better then those Cheaper By The Dozen movies he’s forced to be a part of…or not) runs a fishing charter business with his minority sidekick Spooner (Deray Davis) and business isn’t going so well
They better enjoy it while it lasts, because it’s going to get a whole lot worse, and so will the movie. Spooner takes the charter boat on a late-night romp and notices that there’s a rather large fog bank coming in.
Only too late does Spooner realize that it’s lethal fog. I know that the term “lethal fog” seems about as scary as “organic carrots,” but it’s true. The fog contains otherworldly beings that are out for revenge, and those that die are not merely audience members making crisscrossy marks on their wrists with their car keys because they’re bored. Most of Spooner’s poon party get killed, but good old Spoon manages to escape by throwing himself into the freezer, because “it can’t get me there.” Whatever that means, because it’s never explained.
It’s not all bad news though for Nick as by a simple twist of fate he sees an old girlfriend of his, Elizabeth (TV’s and Taken’s Maggie Grace, showing you why she belongs on TV). You see, she took off for New York about six months back without saying a word and now she’s decided to come back.
Elizabeth’s been tormented because she’s been having dreams, and it’s partly the reason she decided to return to Antonia Bay. These dreams will be doled out in bite-size bits and will also serve as flashbacks as to why the lethal fog (scary!!!) is appearing. But by this point in the film you won’t really care.
What mysterious mysteries lie within the lethal fog and what does it have in store for Antonia Bay? Do you care? Is it worth taking the time out to rent? Just ask anyone who’s seen it and I’ll bet you a halogen lamp that they’ll laugh a little before giving you the most strenuous of NO’s.
What made the filmmakers think the elements of this remake would make a digestible movie let alone a good one? I haven’t the foggiest, and I’m sure neither do they…
What works about the 2005 Fog model:
1.) Selma Blair gives the least bland performance of the movie as Antonia Bay’s lone DJ and harried single mom. What’s really scary is that I don’t even like Selma Blair as an actress let alone think she should have been hired for her VOICE. But at least she makes you think she’s trying as she’s the only player to earn her check.
2.) A steamed pooch.
3.) Halfway decent special effects involving shards of glass.
4.) Excellent leprosy makeup that makes you want to chuck your chutney…or maybe that’s just the movie itself.
What doesn’t work:
1.) You know what doesn’t really strike fear into the hearts of ANYONE? Condensation.
2.) Maggie Grace is way out of her made-for-TV depth. It leaves you wondering how much better (or less crappy) this movie might have been with halfway decent acting.
3.) The Fog’s creatures might be scary in a Disney movie. I’m not sure it was the filmmakers intention to have the audience reminded of 2003′s Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy…and have the Haunted Mansion be scarier.
4.) The boats look like they’re stolen out of a theme park ride.
5.) Chaste PG-13 shower sex that I’m sure Showtime and Cinemax skin “actors” will find as unconvincing as we do.
Overall. You know to skip this, and those of you who’ve laughed your way through know not to recommend it to anyone. But if anyone gives it to you as a gift, do what I didn’t do and sell it to your local used record store…unless it’s chock-full of this title already, which it might be because no one wants to keep it.
Available from Amazon
Watch the trailer:
Popularity: 3% [?]
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