The Deadly Spawn (1983)
Review by Noel
The 1983 horror classic (actually, I’m not so sure it’s a classic…) The Deadly Spawn is a story practically RIPPED from today’s headlines…
A meteorite (a red-hot one) crashes into a forest, right by some campers. These campers, being complete morons, say things like “Let’s check it out,” not knowing that there are aliens inside the meteor. Aliens…that kill people…by eating them…with their huge-ass teeth (they prefer to bite your head off). After the aliens get their chomp on they head to a nearby basement where an unsuspecting family sleeps, not knowing that beneath their sheets, beneath their floorboards, beneath their nightmares lie…The Deadly Spawn!
Can this unlucky family survive the day? Or will Pete the nerdy scientist, Charles the horror geek, Bunny, Aunt and Uncle nameless find themselves torn apart and their remains forever stuck between the teeth of…The Deadly Spawn?
Well kids, you’re just going to have to watch all 81 minutes of this movie to find out what happens in director Douglas McKeown’s…The Deadly Spawn!
Like I asked, doesn’t this just mirror what you see on the news every day?
What works in…The Deadly Spawn:
1.) The aforementioned Red-Hot meteorite – How do I KNOW it’s a red-hot meteorite as opposed to a lukewarm one? Because one of the moron campers actually says the line (imitate in your best hick voice): “It’s a red-hot meteorite,” just before becoming food for…The Deadly Spawn!
2.) “What is it with the basement tonight?” a character asks. Ooooh I know!! It’s…The Deadly Spawn!
3.) Troy Perez- He turns in a nice performance as…I’m kidding. He’s not an actor, but the man who lent me this DVD and I said I’d give him a shout-out. Yup, if he hadn’t lent it to me YOU might not be reading this review of…The Deadly Spawn!
4.) Gratuitous see-through white lace night gown!!! Complete with National Geographic nipples that look like they could cut glass. But will they stand a chance against…The Deadly Spawn? Not likely, because these spawn…they’re fuckin’ deadly. This isn’t called The Benign Spawn, it’s called…The Deadly Spawn!
5.) An electrician that looks like Ron Jeremy’s skinnier cousin…Juan Jeremy. Too bad he gets eaten by…The Deadly Spawn!
6.) A face makes a lovely shared snack for…The Deadly Spawn!
7.) Non-CGI entrails makes for gore-riffic fun for the whole family, and a wholesome meal for…The Deadly Spawn!
8.) Pete (Tom Defranco) gets his 80’s pimp on by asking Ellen (Jean Tafler) in a whiny voice… “Are you going with him?” Apparently this can get you kissed in the 80’s. It’s good to know that teenage hormones cannot be stopped by something as silly as…The Deadly Spawn!
9.) Ah Hah!! The old ski pole/lamp post/ extension cord trick!!! But will it work against such a foe the likes you have ever seen called…The Deadly Spawn?
10.) Ruined Luncheon Part 1- It’s not good to mix your salad dressing with the guts of…The Deadly Spawn!
11.) A mousetrap containing…The Deadly Spawn!
12.) Ruined Luncheon Part II- Old bitties being attacked by…The Deadly Spawn!
13.) The Ending- Yup, bigger is better when it comes to…The Deadly Spawn!
What doesn’t work in…The Deadly Spawn:
1.) This is the 80’s so be prepared for the worst combination of colors to assault your senses. More proof that the 80’s is the decade Taste skipped. The worst offenders a.) Blue overalls and a checkered shirt b.) Pink Wooden Chairs??????
No, you’re not high (unless you are), you’re just watching…The Deadly Spawn!
2.) It’s hard not to laugh when the character that’s purported to be your hero looks like Little Fey Riding Hood. Take off the cape kid, because it might be grabbed by…The Deadly Spawn!
3.) The 80 ‘s White Man Afro. This huge mass of curl is at times scarier than any of…The Deadly Spawn!
4.) The Spawn are cool, but there were times I expected them to break out into song since they look like the plants from Little Shop of Horrors. And song is not something you want to hear in a movie like…The Deadly Spawn!
Overall, The Deadly Spawn is a fun 80’s horror gorefest, is well worth the 80 minutes of time and the price of a rental you’ll have to invest. Just don’t watch this in a basement, lest you have the unwanted company of…The Deadly Spawn!
Just in case you forgot, the name of the movie is called…The Deadly Spawn!
Popularity: 8% [?]
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