The Dead Don’t Scream (2007)
Review by Noel
Within the first two minutes of 3 Red Peppers Production Company’s STV film The Dead Don’t Scream you see two topless women.
After that…you can pretty much push stop on your player and do something more productive with your life. Perhaps rent/buy Right At Your Door, which comes out this week. Yup, this is one of THOSE reviews…
The story (sigh…): A group of college students go to a small unnamed Texas town to have some fun by the lake. They have fun…but they also end up kidnapped. Some of them…end up dead.
Their cars are taken…and end up getting chopped and sold for parts.
The odd and not predictable at ALL parallel is that the kids are ALSO chopped. It’s too bad for the movie that none these predicaments is even remotely scary.
One person’s name is Callie…another one’s name is Tyler…but after about 10 minutes…I didn’t care. Perhaps it is better that we not remember their names…so we don’t hold it against them later.
What works with The Dead Don’t Scream:
1.) Did I mention the two topless women within the first 2 minutes? “I better not get sunburned on my nipples!”
2.) While I try to rack my brain about something else positive to say about this movie I’ll mention the 2 topless women again. Hey…”rack” my brain… That last sentence is about as funny as this movie is scary…or interesting.
3.) You gotta love a Sheriff office with the one-sheet to a movie called Blood Badge in it.
4.) “Olives are my favorite delicatessen.”
5.) The rap song over the closing credits is actually more creative than anything in the movie. Although I think I was in better spirits because I was thinking “This movie’s finally fucking over! I’m free!”
6.) Esteban, played by Marion Morison- He’s a bad guy and has a terrible Spanish accent. Yet, he kept me from being completely bored because…I got to laugh at his horrible Spanish accent.
7.) Taylor Chatwell as Callie- she’s the only actor in the movie that can actually act.
For example, if the line is “We gotta get out of here or else they’ll kill us all”…she DOESN’T (unlike the rest of the cast) say it like-
“We…GOT…ta getoutof…here…or ELSE…they’ll…kill…usALL!!!!!!!”
8. ) Betsy, the little fat girl, that spends the whole movie eating. Seriously, whenever she appeared onscreen, wondering if she would stop eating was the only thing keeping my interest…because the rest of the movie sure wasn’t.
9.) Reasonably realistic gore.
10.) The red and black spandex twins.
11.) Breakfast Sausage.
What doesn’t work: How much time do you have?
1.) The movie’s about 90 minutes. Perhaps if writer/director Richard Perrin had cut about…98 minutes from the final cut it might have been a better movie.
2.) Pasty white kids should never rap. Ever. Never. Ever. Then again…it might have been the scariest moment of the movie.
3.) Actually, the scariest moment in the movie is when the Korean Deputy (don’t ask) dances…and does things with his jacket that should never be seen. I shudder to think.
4.) If someone was firing a shotgun at you, would you and your unarmed cohorts…RUN TOWARD the person with the weapon? Then again…movie is called…
5.) The Dead Don’t Scream- What a stupid, rather obvious title. Couldn’t one have called it…The Dead Don’t Live (it makes about as much sense)? Or how about The Dead Don’t Have to be Subjected to Poorly Written, Acted, and Directed STV Horror Films? Unless I’M dead…and am in hell…
6.) What is a Christmas tree doing in this factory? Providing a rather opportune hiding place…
7.) A bat that falls out of a locker. How convenient, if you need a weapon or something and don’t have one…and that bat just happens to appear…
So remember, the dead might not be screaming…nor will you. You’ll be yawning…and kind of wishing you were dead.
Available from Amazon
Popularity: 3% [?]
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