The Blood Shed
Review by Dr. Royce Clemens
It’s at times like these that I present a headache for the editors of horror sites who have decided to hire me.
I do not know the channels in which editors meet up with producers of low-budget DTV horror films. I do not know the decorum or procedure. I do not know if procurement of screeners is a clinical transaction (like filling out insurance forms) or if there’s a lot of buddy-buddy pretending to be friends (like buying a used car).
So I don’t know if my editors look bad when these screeners sometimes come to me…and I must destroy them…because it is my calling as a critic… and because they suck.
And The Blood Shed most definitely sucks. Oh Jumpin’ Fuckin’ Jesus, does it suck. It’s the cinematic equivalent of Fran Drescher stubbing her toe in an echo chamber. I’ve seen worse movies, to be sure, and I shall see more that are worse. But only then shall it be by a razor thin margin and THIS is the only one that veterinarians could use to neuter stray cats.
The plot is your standard issue Texas Chain Saw Massacre rip-off boilerplate. Inbred yokel family in the woods preys on the surrounding townsfolk for their meat. The only difference is the attempt at humor. On second thought, scratch that. I didn’t see any attempts at being funny. Rather the assumption that it is funny because the dialogue is horrible and the actors are screaming every line of it. And the last time I checked, (and unlike most folks, I do check often) being loud wasn’t funny in and of itself.
And it isn’t even acting, now that I think about it.
I will not mention these actors by name. Just because they’re terrible here doesn’t mean they’ll be terrible elsewhere, so I might as well give them the benefit of the doubt. Also, this isn’t like an Ulli Lommel movie where the actors are just let loose to improvise (I don’t think). This was planned and premeditated, making the actors more victims than perpetrators.
I will mention one actor. Alan Rowe Kelly plays a twelve year old girl named Beeftina, and he attempts the worst Divine impression I think anyone is capable of. Every time he’s on-screen he grinds the movie to a halt and we spend most of the movie with him. I feel justified in pointing out how much he sucks because, well, he also wrote and directed the movie. I don’t really know what’s inherently funny about an overweight dude in a dress because I’ve never laughed at it. I guess it must be embarrassing or something. But that’s not nearly as embarrassing as being the writer and director of The Blood Shed.
I know it’s a Divine impression because the insert for the DVD case handily tells me that The Blood Shed is an“homage to the early films of John Waters.” Now, I don’t need to be the guy who tells you that the work of John Waters isn’t the most glossy or professional or comfortable of filmographies. But Waters movies are usually happy occasions that had a point to prove in the days of Anita Bryant and potential anti-gay legislation and post-Vietnam. The Blood Shed is depressing and serves no other purpose than to be obnoxious and gooey. Not even GROSS, just… Gooey. The only things I could recommend of the movie are that technically, the movie is about as well-made as it could be… and it’s only 68 minutes long.
We’ve heard all the redneck inbred jokes there are, and The Blood Shed doesn’t tell us any new ones. And with Stupid Teenagers Must Die! (review) now on video and 30 Days of Night (review) in theatres, it’s depressing that anyone would even consider this an option. When in doubt, read a book. I didn’t in this case, and look what happened to me.
I don’t like saying such horrible things about movies that go straight to video and were made on a shoestring budget. I get complaints all the time, like,“Don’t you care about the people who worked hard to get that movie made and released?”
No. I honestly don’t. I care about the people who are asked, with a straight face, to pay to see substandard work like this.
That would be you…
The Blood Shed - Official Site
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