The Backwoods (2008)
Review by Noel
It is the summer of 1978 in Northern Spain and two couples, Paul/Isabel (Gary Oldman and Aitana Sanchez Gijon) and Norman/Lucy (Paddy Considine and Virginie Ledoyen), decide to rough it in a remote restored vacation house in the Spanish boonies because that’s what couples do sometimes.
But because it’s soooo frickin’ hot they decide to stop at the local watering hole for some vino, because when people are thirsty that’s what they do sometimes.
But when the men enter the bar they are looked at with disdain because they are outsiders and, let’s face it, you couldn’t look less Spanish than Gary Oldman and Paddy Considine. But they don’t care as they saunter to the bar with a don’t-give-a-fuck-attitude and order their libations, because that’s what Alpha Males do sometimes.
After a while, Lucy decides the men have had enough time to drink and that they have to get to the house. She enters the bar and ALL the men stare at her. Not just because she’s a beautiful French woman, but because in a previous scene she found a solitary water fountain and let’s just say she would win first place in that Spanish District’s annual Wet T-Shirt contest. Her husband Norman is not pleased.
Like the locals need another reason to look at these interlopers with the crazy eyeball…
The next day Paul and Norman go a-hunting while the womenfolk do other things.
They find a deserted house, partly because Paul is lost. In that house they find a little girl tied up. It’s obvious she’s been that way for a while. One notices that her hands look like Idaho potatoes recently cleaved to be made for fries (mmmmm…fries…). Paul and Norman take the girl, breaking her from her chains and take her back to the vacation house.
But the next morning, the locals appear at their door holding shotguns, looking for the little girl…because that’s what people who are missing their little chained-up girls do sometimes…
And then all hell breaks loose…
No, I retract that, because The Backwoods is not that scary or all that tense. So instead of “All Hell”, I’ll say some heck breaks loose…
What works about The Backwoods:
1.) Gratuitous skinny dipping scenes ALWAYS work.
2.) Paddy Considine does strong, if predictable, work as a cowardly lion forced to come to grips with his inner badass or else be back-doored in the backwoods. His “arc” is well played, even if you can pinpoint every moment of his…deliverance (sorry, had to be done).
3.) Creepy leering guy staring at Lucy’s wet t-shirt. It made ME feel violated and I’m not a beautiful French woman looking like she’s at Spring Break in Pensacola right before the Girls Gone Wild cameramen roll tape.
4.) Little French-fry-fingered girl and her music box- it’s a more affecting scene than you’d expect…
5.) I don’t know if this makes me sick, but I actually had some fries after I saw this movie. Hey, I was hungry and fries were on the brain…
6.) Gary Oldman- One of our great chameleons. Even if the movie’s not up to par (The 5th Element, Sin, that lame Dracula remake), he NEVER fails to do great work. He brings depth to a rather standard character and even speaks Español convincingly. His final scene in this movie is a study in great silent acting.
7.) A scene involving a Leonard Cohen song, creepy leering guy (“The ugly girls only dance with me” – it sounds a lot more ominous in Spanish), and an attempted rape is the most harrowing of the entire movie.
8.) Gary Oldman vs. Dog vs. Miguel- Gary kicks canine and human ass.
9.) Thanks to The Backwoods, I now know that I have to cut the bollocks off a boar right after I shoot it or else the meat tastes bad. Thanks to The Backwoods, I will NEVER EVER have boar for dinner. Or at least have a lot of ketchup and mustard.
10.) Norman’s final gunshot- could have gone either way.
What doesn’t work:
1.) Director Franco Serra stages too many scenes where nothing much really happens. You have to wait a good half-hour before anything remotely suspenseful happens…and then you have to wait 20 blank minutes more…
2.) Aitana Sanchez Gijon and Virginie Leyoden are strong presences in their own right, but their female characters are simply not given anything to do except get leered at or carry the little French-fry-fingered girl
3.) Random rain- for no reason, while nearing the climax of the movie, it rains if only for no other reason than to give the characters another obstacle to cross…
Though labeled as a horror film, I think I could count the scares in The Backwoods on less than half of a French-fried-fingered hand…yet that doesn’t mean I don’t recommend it.
See it for the great Gary Oldman. See it for Paddy Considine. See it because it IS a good movie, but just don’t expect to be frightened…
Watch the trailer for The Backwoods:
Popularity: 9% [?]
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