Spiral (2008)
Review by Noel
Last fall, we horror fans were inundated with ads for writer/director Adam Green’s Hatchet (read review). If you remember, you couldn’t log on to any horror website without seeing a promo for it. However you’d be lucky if you could find a theater playing it…unless you lived in a city that was also probably a target for a major terrorist faction. Despite its overhype, Hatchet still is a pretty fun horror film…and proves you can never overestimate the appeal of topless women and gore.And now we roll around to Spiral, Green’s follow up to Hatchet. This time he has his Hatchet star Joel David Moore listed as co-director and writer. How quaint. [Editors note: Actually, Joel David Moore enlisted Adam Green to help him co-direct because Moore was in front of the camera so much; so really, this was more Moore's film.]
Mason is a quiet man. He works as a telemarketer for an insurance company (a job which can make pretty much anyone go nucking futs). He eats a brown bag lunch on the same bench every day (LONER ALERT!!- if this were a high school film he’d have a gun located somewhere on his person). His lunch consists of the same small carton of milk, the same sandwich (PB and J if you must know), and some kind of fruit item. Why do I take time to point that out? Because that’s just fucking odd. Every time they showed Mason’s lunch I questioned why he didn’t bring a candy bar or throw in an 80’s style Capri-Sun or something…I mean he looks like he’s perpetually wearing a Member’s Only jacket…so why not go the whole nine?
Anyway, while he’s eating lunch a co-worker sits next to him. Her name is Amber (played by Amber Tamblyn- SAME NAME ALERT!!!) and strikes up a conversation that will change his life…
They hit it off as friends…because Amber likes Mason’s drawings…of girls.
Did I mention that Mason draws girls in his sketchpad? That’s important later. So I probably should have mentioned that earlier…but I didn’t. Sorry.
Did I also mention that Mason think’s he sees random women who aren’t there in flashes that play herky-jerky with his reality (FEMALE OBSESSION ALERT!!!- yes ladies, that guy in the office you think is obsessing about you…really is. You might want to think about getting a new job before the remains of your skin ends up stretched out over a homemade umbrella)?
And what’s behind the door with the white light?
That and sooooo much more will be revealed if and when you see Spiral…if you dare. But don’t take my word for it.
I mean, DO take my word for it. Spiral isn’t that scary…
What works about Spiral:
1.) Amber Tamblyn (ACTRESS WHOSE NAME RHYMES WITH RAMBLIN’ OR GAMBLIN’ ALERT!!!- Horror fans know that this is not Ms. Tamblyn’s first foray into the horror genre, having been in The Ring, the absolutely putrid The Grudge 2, and finally the scariest film I have seen in years, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Seriously, I wet myself at how fucking frightening that movie was. Wet, because I spill my drink in fright, not from any urinary problems, you weirdoes…
Anyway, Tamblyn is excellent in this part, conveying perfectly why a cutie like her might forge a believable friendship with someone like Mason. And, she gets the funniest lines in the movie (“I spit in her drink”).
2.) The shot of the umbrellas.
3.) Zachary Levi (GUY NAMED AFTER JEANS ALERT!!!) adds more depth than was probably written in the script as Mason’s boss Berkeley. He’s outwardly an asshole, but over the course of the film shows how much he really cares for his friend that may not be all there. Maybe to his own detriment.
4.) A very sweet scene involving a movie theater. As a reread that sentence I feel like I’m reviewing a fucking romantic comedy, not something that’s supposed to be a horror film/psychological thriller.
What doesn’t work:
1.) Scary, schmary- It takes about an hour before anything remotely suspenseful happens (the opening of a drawer). And since it’s a 90-minute movie…that’s not a good sign. Which is probably why I paid attention to things like what Mason was having for lunch, simply because I was waiting for something, ANYTHING scary to occur.
2.) Joel David Moore- He’s a good actor, but he’s already too outwardly creepy looking for anything he does to be a surprise. We’ve all seen this type of character in these types of movies before…so it’s just a matter of him going through the motions. Wouldn’t it have been more interesting if Moore and Zachary Levi switched parts?
3.) Bad Dreams- If you saw last month’s Oscars, you saw Jon Stewart’s hilarious montage of actors jolting out of bed after a bad dream. Now I laugh whenever I see this in a movie. This happens 3 times in Spiral, which is 2 times more than is effective.
4.) The twist(s)- Yes, it’s the reason you slogged through 85 minutes. The last 5 minutes reveal turns that worked much better in movies like—
Wait a second! You were going to try to make me reveal movies with similar twists, consequently revealing WHAT the twist is. But I caught on to your ruse, you crafty little monkey. Nice try, but I won’t tell you the end no matter how much you beg…(CHEEKY READER ALERT!!!)
In closing…see Spiral if you want to see pretty good acting, but don’t see it if you want to get scared. Or, watch the trailer, then skip chapters until you’re about an hour in, then watch the rest of the movie because you won’t have missed too much that your mind can’t fill in.
Thanks for reading this review, my dear fan of Fatally-Yours. I want you to know that you’re my FAVORITE reader of Fatally-Yours…
Really.
In fact, I like, no…LOVE you soooo much that I’ve been following you around…
And have been right behind as you’ve been reading this review…
But don’t turn around…
…because that would ruin the surprise…
Popularity: 17% [?]
[ ‹‹ Red Victoria (2008) Interview with Ted Geoghegan, Writer of Sweatshop ›› ]