Prom Night (2008)
Review by Noel
It’s sometime during Donna’s freshman year. She’s just gotten home from the movies with her best friend Lisa. She arrives to find that the house is unusually quiet.
Why? Because her entire family has just been murdered. Better hope the movie was good, because this night just turned…
Dear old dad offed in front of the TV, probably not a bad way to go unless his team was losing.
Unnamed little brother killed in his room, probably illegally downloading music or porn, so his death was probably deserved
And wouldn’t you know it? Donna gets to see her own mother murdered right in front of her as she’s under the bed as our PG-13 Killer Richard Fenton (Johnathan Schaech) stabs her in such a non-brutal fashion, it’s almost…cute.
It turns out that our killer was a teacher who was obsessed with Donna and “wanted her all to himself.” There’s really no reasoning with those kinds of stalkers although it makes you wonder how a teacher could misspell such an easy name like Jonathan. Perhaps that question’s a little too smart for the movie, which opened across the nation last April to the sound of yawns everywhere, and we actually got to hear what indifference sounds like.
We fast forward three years later and Donna (played by Brittany “White As” Snow) is preparing for circumcision, but not really, she’s preparing for Prom, hence the title of the movie. She’s still haunted by that night she saw her whole family killed, but she’s got a prescription of Klonopin, which takes all your cares away and makes you feel all floaty, like you’re one of those pink, marshmallow-y, coconut-y with chocolate in the middle Hostess thingies from grade school. She’s also got a scholarship to Brown, no doubt aided by her entrance essay “I Want to Go to Brown because I saw my Family Gutted in Front of Me.” She’s got a boyfriend Bobby, who just happens to be captain of the football team.
What could possibly go wrong on this prom night, other than a nipple slip and a couple of Rufinol’s slipped into your Anti-Tila Tequila?
It just so HAPPENS that stalker teacher Dick has just escaped from prison (with a convenient three day head start), and for some reason, being ass-raped and facialed by the No-Lube Crew 24/7 in Cell Block Blue has not lessened his jonesing for Donna.
Dick finds Donna’s hotel where her prom is being held. Soon enough, prom is being ruined…by murder and mayhem, though not at all graphically since this is PG-13. Will Donna escape with her sanity and her life? Who cares, as this movie’s not very good, but you knew that since most of you were smart enough NOT to see this in theaters, but now you also know to completely ignore this on DVD and Blu-Ray.
What works with Prom Night:
1.) A KILLER soundtrack featuring such artists as:
-Ben Taylor
-Rock Kills Kid
-Mr. Me Innit…and MANY more (available on cassette and compact disc). Actually, this soundtrack is probably better than the movie.
THIS PORTION OF THE REVIEW PAID FOR BY THE PROM NIGHT SOUNDTRACK
2.) Lisa’s dress- and by Lisa’s dress I mean Lisa’s cleavage.
3.) The closing credits have kids dancing as if it were a happy night, even though some of the people you see dancing…have been killed. At least you leave on a happy note, I guess.
4.) Bridgeport’s prom cost over $100,000. I want to send my non-existent kids to Bridgeport. Sure, they might die but at least their prom will be classy.
What doesn’t work:
1.) Johnathan Schaech- aside from vexing my Spellcheck, he’s horribly miscast as the killer. He doesn’t come off as scary as much as annoyed and about as psycho as a constipated teenager with unlimited access to Cinemax but only half a box of Kleenex. You laugh at how he can possibly avoid the cops.
2.) Speaking of…these cops are some of the most inadequate cops in movie history.
3.) Barely any blood, and no gore whatsoever.
4.) Who forgets to look under the bed?
5.) Fake Foley Scores. If I YELLED in your ear at random times, you’d jump too.
6.) Jessica Stroup plays Claire in this movie. Last year she was in The Hills have Eyes 2. Jessica, next time tell your agent “No shitty horror movies”
Yes, it’s bad, but I can’t hate it because after the last review I did for Fatally-Yours (Unborn Sins – review) pretty much anything after that would have gotten a free pass. Prom Night is not so much horrible as it is extremely neutered, what you might expect from a TV version of a “real” horror movie. If you’re on the fence, skip it by all means…
But if you’re looking for a horror movie that doesn’t actually scare you, then go ahead kids, rent Prom Night ’08
But you MUST get that Soundtrack, featuring such artists as:
-Bloc Party
-Quiet Drive
-Kovas
…and MANY more (available on cassette and compact disc)
THIS LAST PART OF THE REVIEW PAID FOR BY THE PROM NIGHT SOUNDTRACK
Available from Amazon
Popularity: 3% [?]
[ ‹‹ Gory Gear: NecroLites Book Review: The Language of Fear by Del James ›› ]
2006 2007 2008 2009 awesome 80s bad movies Best of bloody book review boring brutal campy creepy disturbing Fatally Yours film festival fun ghosts gore haunted horror comedy Horror Literature humorous independent insanity interview low-budget madness monsters murders News psychological release info revenge sequel serial killer short film slasher supernatural unique vampires violent Women in Horror Worst of Zombies