Misery (1990)
Review by Noel
For every Mist (review), you get Sleepwalkers.
For every 1408 (review), you get The Lawnmower Man.
For every Carrie, you get Cujo with that feeble ending.
For every 1980’s Salem’s Lot miniseries, you get 2004’s Salem’s Lot miniseries (with Rob Lowe no less).
You get the point. Stephen King adaptations are notoriously hit-and-miss. That’s even taking into account the miniseries version of Tommyknockers with Jimmy Smits and ex porn starlet Traci Lords (probably not the only movie she appears in with the word ‘knockers’).
But I think most of you will agree that Rob Reiner’s 1990 chiller Misery is one of the best King adaptations ever as well as one of the best horror movies of the 90’s. You probably have a copy of it somewhere collecting dust from when you saw it all those times before the new century rolled around. If you do, why don’t you put it in and revisit everyone’s favorite kooky baby-killing nurse Annie Wilkes. It’s like going to see your favorite homicidal denim-skirt sycophantic, kitchen knife-wielding, leg-hobbling, anti-swearing (except for a well-placed ‘cocksucker’) aunt. You know, the one with the piggy and the sketchy social skills.
You know you want to, and I’ll even pour you some Dom, maybe even give you a couple of tabs of Novril…And let you take it all in…That’s it…you’re getting sleepy…Just let yourself go, Constant Reader…you’ll wake up in a bed in the middle of Bumfucknowhere, strapped to a bed, but you’re in good hands…MY Hands…I’ll take care of you, even though my thinking does get a little muddy…I wouldn’t hurt you, reader of Fatally-Yours…Why? You might ask in your drowsy and getting drowsier state? Why, you silly bird…don’t you know why? Because I’m…your number one fan…In fact, I was following as you drove home from work…Following you while you were going to your computer and clicked on to this site…I do that often…Follow you…It’s ‘cause…I love you…Go on…read the review…It’s not going to hurt a bit…God, I love you…
Paul Sheldon (James Caan) is a famous writer. The critics might not like his popular Misery Chastain novels (eight in all), but the audience sure eats them up. But he’s getting wary, because for all of his success he longs to be taken seriously as an artist. He longs to be rid of Misery forever.
The film opens with the completion of his newest novel, a non-Misery title. He’s unaware that a monster of a storm is a-brewing, and his car gets blown off the road and he’s left for dead.
Lucky for him, a nurse named Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates) just happens to be there and gets him out of the car before he freezes to death. Thank goodness she’s perfectly sane and nothing’s wrong with her mentally or anything like that.
When he finally wakes up, Paul has a couple of purplish god-awful looking legs. Good thing Annie’s a nurse…or is it?
Annie is Paul’s self-professed (and you can say it with me…) “Number One Fan”. She has all his Misery books and lives alone so she can give complete and total attention to the object of her affection. She also dresses in denim skirts with a seemingly endless array of sweaters. And a nice crucifix around her neck. See, nobody with a crucifix around her neck would be a nut job, right?
It seems yes, just a little. And by little I mean a lot. There are chinks in Annie’s armor of accommodating affection. You see, she loves Misery. And when it turns out that the talented Mr. Sheldon has killed off his famous character, she is none too pleased (“SLIPPED AWAY!!! OH NO, YOU MURDERED MISERY!!!”).
Now Paul is trapped. Because as kind as this woman seemed in the beginning is how warped she’s getting now. And that’s just minute 30…
In his sneaky in-house travels Paul finds out that “Dragon Lady” Annie Wilkes was a nurse put on trial for killing babies. And this bipolar bitch has REAL problems with separation anxiety.
So begins some of the worst outpatient care in movie history…
What works with Misery:
1.) Kathy Bates- might as well get this one out of the way early. Yes, she won an Oscar for Annie Wilkes and more than deserved it. It’s 18 years old and her performance is as fresh as it is terrifying. Stephen King and William Goldman give her great lines (“Wally, give me a pound of that ‘effin pig feed and a pound of that bitchly cow corn”) and Bates delivers them with the proper zing, keeping Caan and the audience off balance at all time. She goes from kind…to vicious…and back to considerate again all in the same scene. Bonus points for snorting like a pig…and giving a HUGE dating game kiss…
2.) Misery the Pig is so cute.
3.) Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck…
4.) Apparently, mixing ground beef with Spam gives a meal just a little extra kick.
5.) Don’t buy paper that smudges (“I’ll get your stupid paper but you just better start showing me a little appreciation around here, Mr. MAN!!!”).
6.) Please don’t spill that bed bottle.
7.) Don’t burn books…because the mess could get all “oogy”.
8.) There isn’t a lot of gore, but its few instances are pretty effective, like the shot of Paul’s legs and of course….
9.) Lauren Bacall!!
10.) The Hobbling- I’ll bet you turned away the first time you saw this too. I did, way back in ’90, and every time I see it my first reaction is to flinch. Final line of the scene: “God, I love you.” The frightening thing is…she means it.
11.) Misery harkens back to a time when director Rob Reiner used to make good movies (A Few Good Men, The Princess Bride) before his movies tossed the prison salad (Rumor Has It, The Bucket List), and it’s to his and future director/then DP Barry Sonnenfeld’s credit that they managed to make a movie that’s set in a bedroom for 70% of it, claustrophobic yet cinematic enough not to look like a training video.
12.) I know what big Liberace fans the readers of Fatally-Yours are, so I don’t have to tell you that you’ve never heard “I’ll Be Seeing You (In All The Familiar Places)” the same way again.
What doesn’t work:
1.) The high improbability of a ceramic penguin being a major plot point.
2.) The convenience of a “randomly” dropped hairpin.
3.) Final scene in a restaurant doesn’t have as much punch as it should.
4.) An is-she-dead-or-isn’t-she? climax that belongs in a lesser horror movie.
Overall, Misery is still great after all these years. So when you’re channel surfing and this happens to be on, take the time to visit dear old Annie Wilkes again, as I’m sure she’d love your company. Until then, I’ll be seeing you…
Available from Amazon
Watch the Misery trailer:
Popularity: 3% [?]
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