Land of the Dead (2005)
Review by Noel
Take a trip with me horror fans…
A trip…back in time.
Let’s go to the year 2005. It’s around June and you the horror lover have just bought a ticket to the new George Romero film Land of the Dead…
You remember standing in line in anticipation because you’ve witnessed a minor resurrection, so to speak, of the zombie film. 2003 brought us the solid (except for the saccharine ending) 28 Days Later and the very funny Undead (read review). 2004 brought the excellent Dawn of the Dead remake along with Shaun of the Dead, all of them grandchildren of Romero’s previous zombie incarnations, and there was no reason to think that Land would do anything but add itself among these neo-classics.
Fast forward a little over 90 minutes later from that point in time. You’re walking out of the theater thinking about how much Land of the Dead sucks and the only thing you can do when you get home is to put Night of the Living Dead in your DVD player and erase what you can of this cinematic nightmare…
You thought to yourself: “Is it really possible that Land of the Dead sucked this hard?” The answer came the answer as soon as the question was asked: “Yes…it did.”
In this moment, you might be asking “Why would somebody waste their time watching this AGAIN just so he can review it?”
And my answer to you is…I didn’t get my Netflix film in the mail today and had to do something…and there’s no fucking way I’d watch the newly-released One Missed Call remake (read review of the awesome ORIGINAL) again. Once was more than enough
Let’s bust this out shall we?
It’s present day, and zombies (called “stenches”) have overrun certain parts of the country with the exception of a relatively safe perimeter held in check by an electrified fence. There are the cities inhabited by average Joes and Joettes …and there’s Fiddler’s Green, and skyscraper for “exclusive” survivors
We meet characters (none of them interesting) named Riley (Simon Baker), a man in need of a lot of aloe on his face, Charlie (Robert Joy), a hooker with the heart of black vinyl and a push-up bra, Slack (Asia Argento) and various other characters with names I didn’t remember because they were all going to die anyway…
The man in charge of this anti-zombie Shangri-La is named Kaufman played by Dennis Hopper. How do we know he’s up to no good? Because he’s played by Dennis freakin’ Hopper. Anyway, bad Dennis pissed off Cholo (John Leguizamo) by not paying him for services rendered and Cholo looks to take revenge by blowing the hell out of Fiddler’s Green with a souped-up car named Dead Reckoning (it’s fitted with rockets and stuff).
So Kaufman hires Riley (who built the Dead Reckoning) and the rest of the Get Fresh crew to get the Dead Reckoning back…with extreme prejudice.
But that seems to be the least of their problems as the zombies seemed to have gotten smarter…gotten organized…and seemed to be more than a little pissed off as they march, very slowly, to the city…
Will the zombies get to the city?
Will Riley get to the Dead Reckoning in time before Cholo makes a huge mistake?
Who cares?
What works about Land of the Dead:
1.) Gore on the floor- You wanted gore, you got gore…and that’s about it. Exposed teeth, a spear under the chin, entrails like sucked on like pasta, crushed heads and more. It’s all here and all you have to do is watch a dreadful horror movie. Yay!!
2.) Dennis Hopper doesn’t embarrass himself by playing the villain…the same villain he’s played for decades.
3.) Big Daddy (Eugene Clark)- He’s big. He’s black. He’s a smart zombie who realizes that things aren’t so great for zombies as they seem to be target practice. He grunts, screams, learns to use a machine gun…and sadly enough he’s the best developed character in the movie. That’s really pathetic…
4.) Fiddler’s Green- it’s a beautiful place to look at. I liked the mall.
5.) A mall blitz that’s the only remotely exciting part of the movie. Too bad it lasts less than 2 minutes…
6.) Dead midget walking…or not walking.
7.) Don’t you hate it when gratuitous lesbian kisses are interrupted by zombies?
8.) Tom Savini.
9.) Zombie Dixie band.
10.) A discussion about stolen cars in Samoa (“50 thousand cars…ALL stolen!”).
11.) A stumpy zombie girl climbing a fence.
What doesn’t work:
1.) The movie’s a little over 90 minutes long as previously mentioned. Too bad none of them are remotely scary.
2.) Very Important yet Dull Social Commentary- this line is actually said- “Isn’t that what we’re doing? Pretending to be alive?” Wow. That’s fucking deep. I mean…snooze.
3.) Bad Romero Dialogue- “Pretty easy to make fun of someone. I could make a whole lotta fun of you.” That’s telling him!!
4.) Notice how many times these zombies actually sneak up on people, trained military personnel too. Either these zombies are wearing really soft bunny slippers, or these characters are deaf as well as stupid. Hint: It’s the deaf and stupid part.
5.) Slow-ass zombies don’t really cut it in this millennium.
6.) Asia Argento- taking a break from working with Daddy Dario, Argento does…absolutely nothing in this movie. No, I’m wrong, she…No, I’m right. She does nothing.
7.) Bad Romero Dialogue II- this line is actually said within the first 10 minutes of the movie: “My last night out. Don’t want any fuck-ups.” Wasn’t this kind of lame foreshadowing old in the 80’s?
8.) Stupid Social Commentary II- “We’re turning this place into what we’ve always wanted.”
“Then what will we turn into?”
Wow. That’s fucking deep. I mean…yawn…
Yes kids, Land of the Dead is as bad as you remember it. Good thing Romero made up for it with Diary of the Dead (more or less…read review).
What’s most sad about this movie is that the title could apply to pretty much any audience watching this as they slowly decay from dullness.
But I must leave you with another bon mot of bad Romero dialogue: “What’s that? Screaming practice?” Anticlimactic? Yes, but so is this movie.
Watch the Land of the Dead Trailer:
Popularity: 28% [?]
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