Ice Spiders (2007)
Review by Noel Penaflor
I’ve heard that one has to experience the negative in life in order to fully appreciate the positive. And that’s primarily what I was thinking of as I was watching (enduring) Ice Spiders.
With a title like Ice Spiders and a director named Tibor Takacs, I didn’t think it was too unreasonable to hope that even if the movie isn’t good…then at least it would be bad in a fun way, as the audience (you) laughs at how bad/stupid the movie is, making the movie at least bearable…
Oh well…
A ski team preparing for the Olympics goes to a relatively isolated resort so they can focus exclusively on training without the distractions of coke, whores, and X-tabs by the truckload while they ski…
But little do they know…
That a TOP SECRET sooooper doooper classified government experiment has gone awry and has sent giant spiders into the environment. Now it’s up to a washed-up former ski champion (the charisma free Patrick Muldoon), a doctor in over her head (Vanessa Williams- no, not that one) and a military guy (Thomas Calabro- hoping you’ll see those old episodes of Melrose Place) to stop the…Ice Spiders.
Like I said, you’d think a movie like this would be fun in a B-movie kind of way, but it’s not…
What works in Ice Spiders:
1.) The Spiders actually look pretty real and cohesive as they interact with the human but equally fake actors. It’s clear that most of the budget went into the spiders and none was spent on acting talent, a competent director, music, or pretty much anything else
2.) David Millbern- he plays the unscrupulous one-dimensional Dr. Marks. And he’s pretty much the only fun character in this movie as he seems to be channeling the bad acting styles of William Shatner and Sydney Poitier and even throws in some William Hurt as he throws in random…pauses…as he…reads…his…lines. You welcome every time he appears because at least he’s not boring.
3.) Patrick Muldoon- a leading man he’s not, but he does play a character named Dash Dashiell…and that’s at least worth some kudos
4.) Icy Brokeback Mountain – now maybe I’m reading too much into this, but there seemed to be some friendly competition/latent homosexuality between Dash Dashiell and a young up and coming skier named Chad no less, or maybe I thought good old Chad on all fours taking a mouthful of Dashiell would liven this fucking movie up a bit…
5.) Dash Dashiell- it’s just fun to say…Dash Dashiell
6.) A small sequence where the Spiders pick off some skiers is actually kind of funny. Kind of.
7.) “You’re name is actually Rick?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re a Ranger?”
“Yes.”
“So you’re…Ranger Rick?”
That kids, is the extent of the wit of this movie. Just thought I’d let you know.
8.) Don’t stick your head that far up a fireplace
What doesn’t work:
1.) Let’s see…the movie’s about 90 minutes. I’d say 87 of them don’t work.
2.) Vanessa Williams- this one makes the real Vanessa Williams look like Meryl Streep. At first I felt sorry at how terrible and actress she was, and then I thought about and realized that any actress or actor with a line in a movie gets at least $5k a week for as long as he/she is working (AAMP rules as of ’05), and then I was pissed that this woman’s getting at least that much…for sucking. She’s the least believable doctor since Tara Reid in Alone in the Dark. But oddly enough, she’s actually a better actress than Tara Reid.
If I ever meet Vanessa Williams I will throw her into The Beast House (for Richard Laymon fans)
3.) No T. No A. Very little gore. No violence. No profanity. And this is labeled as a horror movie?
As the movie went on…I realized the Spiders/Government experiment gone haywire plot is hinted at in Stephen King’s great short story The Mist, and the movie version of that story comes out in theaters this Thanksgiving. I just pray it’s better than this…
But if you like movie with bad acting, no story, and mediocre action, then by all means rent Ice Spiders. But really, you don’t want to.
Available on Amazon
Popularity: 2% [?]
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