Hack! (2007)
Review by Noel
HOT TOPLESS GIRLS!!!
I couldn’t think of a decent setup to this review of Hack, so I thought I’d try and grab you with that one. If you’re still reading this, then my dastardly plan worked and it’ll be up to my reviewing skills to keep you reading…
…Unless there are PICTURES of said topless girls in the middle of the review…you know, just to keep you interested. But, you’ll never know…unless you read on.
As such, I’ll just keep on hacking away at the review…Get it? Hack? And the name of the movie is ironically called…Hack. I’m sorry, that was bad. I know I’m responsible for my hacktions and I’ll try to keep from hackcidentally bad writing…
HOT COMPLETELY NAKED GIRLS!!!
And for you female readers: HOT WELL HUNG COMPLETELY NAKED GUYS!!!
For you gay guys: HOT COMPLETELY NAKED WELL HUNG GUYS!!!
For you lesbian women: HOT COMPLETELY NAKED GIRLS THAT LISTEN TO YOUR FEELINGS AND DON’T WANT YOU STRICTLY FOR SEX BUT REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL AND HOPE FOR THE FUTURE!!!
To people who engage in bestiality (I don’t judge): PUPPIES!!!
To people who think Josh Hartnett is a good actor: PUPPIES!!!
There, you’re back on my side.
The plot of Hack is as follows…
We meet:
1. Johnny played by Jay Johnson- He’s white. He’s good looking. He’s a virgin (‘Looks can be deceiving’). He knows a lot about movies. He looks a lot like Matthew McConaughey’s little brother…Chet or Brick. He looks a lot like Chet or Brick McConaughey.
2. Ricky played by Dustion Chow- He’s Asian. He’s gay, flamboyantly gay. He’s also Asian. Therefore I will be referring to him as the Gaysian.
3. Emily played by Danica McKellar- She’s white. And a virgin. She’s got glasses which apparently means she’s shy and mousy. She actually says ‘Fiddlesticks’. She too knows a lot about movies and has the hots for Johnny. She’s soooo straitlaced that you KNOW she’s going to… Well, your first instinct is probably the right one
4. Tim played by Travis Schuldt- He’s White. He’s a football jock and an asshole. Yet, he’s good looking in an empty way. Q: Does this mean he’ll get killed off really early in the movie? A: Maybe
5. Q played by Wondgy Bruny- He’s black. And he gets to say the line “It’s the brother that always dies FIRST!” Q: Does that happen in Hack? A: Not technically. I bet he wants to hack up his parents for naming him Wondgy. Just like I want to kill mine for naming me Noel…since I was born in motherfucking MAY and every Christmas I have assholes singing that goddam First Noel song like I haven’t heard it before and I just laugh good naturedly and nod but what I really want to do is tear their fucking-
I’m sorry. I’m in the middle of a review. Disregard that last part about…me.6. Madison played by Adrienne Frantz- She’s white. She has a stripper name. She looks like Veronica Mars with teased hair. She’s a mean lesbian (‘Twat, pussy, pink taco. You supposedly have one, so lighten the FUCK up!’) Her bra has the words ‘Bite Me’ on it.
7. Sylvia- She’s foreign. She has an expansive chestal region and a muddled accent. Q: Will she be topless by the end of the movie? A: Hells yes…
All these horror movie archetypes, I mean characters, go to a beautiful island to study the wildlife in order to get ‘Biology Credit’.
But, there’s someone killing people on the island in homage to great horror films from the past. And there’s also someone filming it. Q: Are they the same person? A: Maybe, maybe not.
What works about Hack:
1. Danica McKellar- Little Winnie Cooper from The Wonder Years is all growed up. Give me a moment while I ponder my impending death. She gives the best performance of the movie simply because she has the most fully realized character, more or less. Winnie Cooper never did these sort of things to Kevin Arnold.
2. Kane Hodder as…the First Victim. Splendid work.
3. Characters are named Mr. ARGENTO, Captain BATES, and Sherriff STOKER. Very subtle…
4. A mallet to the head…by a clown
5. A discussion about horror films. Karloff and even Rob Zombie’s names are dropped.
6. William Forsythe, taking time out between Rob Zombie films, to play…Willy with an Irish, I mean Oirish accent. Best line of the movie: ‘Ya shut ur pyehole with that koind of darty talk lass or oi’ll pull ol’ Mr. MacGregor out and I’ll club ya senseless’.
7. Obvious stock footage of piranhas because the production couldn’t afford actual piranhas.
8. A reference to The Ring that’s so bad…that it’s actually kind of good.
9. “Where I’m from we eat piranhas.”
10. Someone actually references The Karate Kid…and does it well.
11. Sean Kanan and Juliet Landau as Vincent King (!) and Mary Shelly (!!) respectively, the movie-obsessed couple who like ‘extreme’ filmmaking. ‘Filmmaking has unexpected obstacles that must be overcome’
12. A collage of corpses from a cross-section of classic horror films. My favorite: The Birds.
13. You probably won’t guess the order in which everyone dies.
14. An ending that’ll make you smile…even as you’re scratching you’re head trying to make sense of it all.
What doesn’t work:
1. It’s obvious that writer/director Matt Flynn knows about horror movies. Yet strange that there isn’t a scare in this movie that isn’t telegraphed.
But, it’s never boring, and the laughs more than make up for it.
2. Ricky the Gaysian singing and dancing along to Irene Cara’s song “Fame.” It’s scary…but not in a good way.
3. Burt Young????
In closing, while Hack really isn’t that scary, it’s never less than entertaining. And you can see the love Flynn has for horror, and you’ll probably have fun Id’ing the references.
I hacktually liked Hack a lot, and that’s a hackt. I mean fact. Sorry.
Available from Amazon
Popularity: 2% [?]
[ ‹‹ The Most Influential Women in Horror for 2007 Pumpkinhead IV: Blood Feud (2007) ›› ]
2006 2007 2008 2009 awesome 80s bad movies Best of bloody book review boring brutal campy creepy disturbing Fatally Yours film festival fun ghosts gore haunted horror comedy Horror Literature humorous independent insanity interview low-budget madness monsters murders News psychological release info revenge sequel serial killer short film slasher supernatural unique vampires violent Women in Horror Worst of Zombies