Feast II: Sloppy Seconds (2008)
Review by Noel
It’s got a fraction of the original’s budget, no Matt Damon or Ben Affleck executive producing, and it went straight to video, prompting the question: Is Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds as good as it’s original?
No, but who really cares?
If you’re a fan of Feast’s fucked-up, flesh-fellating frolicking, no doubt you already own the 2-pack on DVD and are already frosting your shorts for the release of Feast 3 in August. You don’t care about things like story (prize to whoever can condense Feast’s “plot” into the least amount of words), character development, direction, score, and production value except in terms of the splatter-red gooey stuff and how many different entrails you can identify as they flash across your screen.
It’s a monster movie! It’s a comedy! It’s cleavage candy! It’s Feast 2!! Take a bite except try not to think too much of what you’re consuming, you might get ill!! Then again, you knew what you were getting into when you bought your ticket – I mean, rented/bought the DVD, so gorge on as much as you can!! Director/writer John Gulager (co-written by Patrick “your-ice-cream-is” Melton) will serve up more!! And since the rest of the franchise is STV, it means cheap sequels with a higher profit margin, meaning more for you, the viewer! You just can’t lose!! You know what this paragraph needs?! More exclamation points!!!!
The plot, and I use that term loosely…
It’s a moment after Feast ends…
There are survivors from the original movie, notably Honey Pie (Jenny Wade, making low-cut bloody fashion seem almost tasteful) and Bartender (Clu Gulager). And of course, the Monsters. Their ‘motivation’ in this movie is the same as the first, which is pretty much to maim, kill, and rape anything moving that gets in their way, and not always in that order.
But there are also new expendable characters thrown into the bloody mix, and like the first Feast, they each get their own title card intro and 10-second character ‘moment’.
We meet-
Biker Queen (Diane Goldner) – she had a “sister” in the first movie. She didn’t survive, probably because she was ripped in half. Biker Queen is notably miffed
Thunder and Lighting (Martin Klebba and Juan Garcia) – They’re midget wrestlers/keymakers. Nothing else needs to be said.
Slasher (Carl Anthony Payne II) – He’s a car salesman that “slashes” prices (“Suck a dick everyone. I slash prices!”) and was Theo’s friend on The Cosby Show (it took me awhile to figure out where I saw him before, as he seems to have disappeared until now). He thinks his wife his cheating on him. I’m still not sure why his name is Slasher and not Salesman. Maybe I’ll watch it again to find out. At least that’s the story I’m sticking to, but I’m really going to see it for the biker chick boobs. I’m so glad I’m just thinking this and not writing this in my review.
Secrets (Hanna Putnam) – She’s Slasher’s wife and is obsessed with The Secret (“Ask…believe…receive”). And yes, she is cuckolding on Slasher with-
Greg (Tom Gulager) – He’s fucking Secrets, and is pretty stupid. The actor also seems to have the same last name as the writer/director, but that’s probably just a happy coincidence.
Since the Feast movies really do possess about as much story development as an episode of The Girls Next Door, but doesn’t have as much Bounce Per Moment (BPM), but has at least half the Gore Per Screen Inch (GPSI) I’m giving you, the fickle but friendly Fatally-Yours reader the choice of plot condensations. But don’t get any help from the person sitting in back of you. I know you think you’re alone, but there’s someone right behind you. Be subtle though, and don’t turn your head too quickly, just know that he/she’s there, reading over your shoulder, which is kind of creepy, but it’s for a good cause.
Damn! You turned your head, now he/she’s back in your closet.
Oh, now he/she’s out again, right behind you. Just read and he/she’ll stay still…
The plot choices are:
A) Feast monsters rampage while the survivors of the original and new characters try to find refuge and not get ripped apart.
B) Exactly like Feast, but with more straight-to-video nudity, so just re-read the back cover of your copy of Feast and imagine nipples protruding from the DVD jacket.
C) Plot Schmlot! Give me Rot! Story Schlory! I want Gory! (by the way, that took me an hour to think up).
D) Feast monsters rampage while new characters and survivors of the original try not to get ripped apart and find refuge.
And you, the Fatally-Yours reader chose D, which was an excellent choice, but sorry, it wasn’t the right one. Answer on my next review.
What works about Feast 2: Feasturbation:
1.) PETA alert #1- That’s ONE way to get a dog to give up its quarry.
2.) The name of the police station.
3.) Martin Klebba, playing the midget/little person wrestler Thunder is the best actor of this straight-to-video bunch as his line readings are least stilted and most realistically delivered.
4.) Grandma loses some mass, and since this is a Feast movie, you can pretty much imagine how…or maybe you can’t.
5.) PETA Alert #2- Who knows, maybe that cat was just asking for it, and maybe it got dinner and a movie in an earlier, uncut scene.
6.) Midget fight!!! Midget fight!!! (“I sure as shit have seen everything now”).
7.) Greg should not be allowed to examine anything. Ever.
8.) If your Last name is Gulager, or even Gallagher, you may just be in this movie. Or you’ll get the chance to be in Feast 3 and 4.
9.) Honey Pie getting her ass kicked by Bartender. If you remember the first movie, you know why
10.) 2012 Olympic event: The Baby Toss – So wrong. Soooo…wrong, yet sooo right (“That’s bad, even for this group”).
What doesn’t work about Feast 2: Feast Infection:
1.) Ostensibly the main character, Jenny Wade’s Honey Pie has none of the steely cool of Krista Allen in the original. Honey Pie pretty much does nothing except get bloody. I’d be surprised if she says 15 words and her scenes are the least interesting.
2.) John Gulager’s seeming obsession with the extreme close-up…but that may have more to do with his budget limitations more than anything else.
3.) An extremely abrupt non-climactic ending that doesn’t as much make you want Feast 3 but make you think wonder the hell just happened.
Since Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds has been out for a couple of months, no doubt Feast Maniacs have seen this multiple times. But for those of you that haven’t, if you liked Feast, then Feast 2 is more of the same, which is a good thing. Just dial down whatever expectations you might have by 20%, and you’ll have a gruesome good time.
And it’ll probably be best for you, karma-wise, if you donate a buck or two to PETA or your local animal shelter before you watch this. It’ll make you feel good, and I’m sure the person who is reading this behind you will feel the same way.
There, you looked again and he/she scampered away somewhere else in the bowels of your home where he/she’s will probably be watching you sleep as he/she has been for the past couple of nights. And by nights, I mean months.
Oh well, get good shuteye and see you at the next review.
Watch the trailer:
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