Drive-In Horrorshow (2009)
Review by Noel Penaflor
At long last, the world has incurred the Zombie Apocalypse. Billions are dead, and those that remain are pretty deformed. Not too many may hold that against them as the population is so sparse that in order for the species to continue, one may have to lower their standards just a tad so that being a (literal) troll or having an axe permanently affixed to your head may not be the turn-off it was when we still had, you know, inhabitants.
When these two intertwined and busted destinies finally meet, what better way to break the ice than going to the drive-in and watch a couple of horror movies. In fact, there doesn’t seem to be much else to do except go to the drive-in.
Come to think of it, as far as end-of-the-world scenarios go, you could do a whole lot worse. Nothing but horror movies > the only movies left star Zac Efron or the Twilight Collection. If that was the case then the lucky ones really did die early.
Such is the premise of Drive-In Horrorshow, hosted by our ghoulish pale pal The Projectionist (Louis Negron). He’s accompanied by his buddy, a troll named Billy Troll (Bill Gage). Refreshments? Don’t worry about those because despite the end of the world, nothing says Drive-in like overpriced unhealthy food. But who cares about health when everyone else is dead? The concessions are taken care of by Teenage Axe Victim (Nancy Sadsad), who looks like she was a cheerleader in a former life and still could probably push up those pom-poms if it weren’t for the gaping holes in her neck and chest. Hey, she’s still pretty cute and there aren’t that many fish in the sea anymore. No reason to be so sadsad…
Anyway, The Projectionist and his friends are here to regale you with five Post-Ap tales of terror to keep you up during those lonely, lonely, everyone’s-dead-so-I’m-really lonely nights.
The Pig – It’s a typical frat house, filled with drunken louts doing what they do best (or worst) during their formative college years. It’s a time to make mistakes and hopefully learn about ourselves. But some mistakes can’t be taken back or corrected, as one frat brother will find out. The past sometimes comes back to haunt you. And by “haunt” I mean super-gluing you to a tub while the water runs so you eventually drown. No matter how much this piggy (hence the title) squeals, no one is going to hear him.
The Closet – Jamie (Chris Fidler) is a little fat kid with typical little kid wants and needs. Jamie wants to be an astronaut. Jamie actually has a tape deck. Something in Jamie’s closet (hence the title) wants something from Jamie. Like his sister. Or maybe his mother. Jamie is only too willing to comply.
Fall Apart – We see man wrapped from head to toe in a cast and bandages. No, it’s not a mummy, but the formerly respected doctor Mazurksy (Larry Jay Tish). He tells us his sad tale. He was a good doctor, one of the few who made house calls. He took care of everyone, regardless of race, creed, gender, and financial situation. He couldn’t believe Jamie from the previous story actually had a fucking tape deck. After seeing an elderly patient, Doctor Maz was puzzled by the symptoms. He’ll figure it out, he reasons, he always does. Besides, Doctor Maz has a date with his ex-wife, as they seem to be on the road to patching things up. Then Doctor Mazursky began to cough…and fall apart. I needed to add that last part in so I could write “hence the title”.
The Meat Man – Two young siblings (Jimmy Flynn and Trevor Fidler) discuss the infamous killer The Meat Man (hence the title). He’s so-called because he takes the meatiest parts of his victims’ bodies and…does things to them. In their vivid children’s imaginations they imagine/suspect their father could be the Meat Man, as his patterns seem to coincide with the killer’s. Plus, dad does have a thing for fresh meat. Are they being paranoid, or are they the offspring of one of the block’s most ruthless murderers and meat connoisseurs?
The Watcher – a group of attractive 20somethings (including Survivor and Playboy’s Jenna Morasca) are going to camp at a super-secret campsite that supposedly no one knows about (though someone has taken the time to make signs pointing to the ultramega-secret place). It’s beautiful, serene, and perhaps the place where they’ll spend their last days and nights. It seems that someone else knows of the clandestine grounds. That someone is watching (hence the title) THEM. Maybe it’s such a well-kept secret because everyone who goes there dies. The Soon-to-be-Dead interlopers will find out these camps have eyes.
What works with Drive-In Horrorshow:
1.) Tickets are only 5 dollars. Who knew all it would take was for the world to end for the economy to get better? At least it isn’t in 3D.
2.) Director Michael Neel uses the low/no budget as an asset rather than (like most indie screeners) a pathetic liability. Yes, the sets look like they were shot in your garage at varying times of the weeks and days, as the odd shades of lighting will reveal, but it only serves the overall fun quotient. Just think what could have been done with actual money.
3.) Anthology films by their nature are hit and miss, but for the most part all five of the segments are more or less entertaining. No one is more surprised at that than me. Favorite Segment: Fall Apart.
4.) Surprisingly realistic gore. You can see where most of the budget went.
What doesn’t work:
1.) Not one of the segments actually comes close to giving the viewer a scare. Oddly enough, that didn’t detract from my enjoyment of the film.
2.) You don’t even have to be paying attention to the movie to know where each and every story is headed, as if writer Greg Ansin (co-written with director Neel) had never seen a movie with a twist ending and didn’t realize that the twist had to be at least kinda surprising.
Though suspense and scare bereft, Drive-In Horrorshow is a surprising (I keep on using that word in regards to this movie) good time in front of your TV. Give it a chance and you won’t regret it!
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