Dance of the Dead (2008)
Review by Noel
Dance of the Dead made me weep…
Not because I was necessarily sad or because I was rolling of my chair with laughter, but because I was nostalgic. It’s…difficult for me to say this without blubbering too openly, but…
I’m not sure I can tell you this, because it’s just…so…painful…
Oh well, I might as well get it out sometime. It’ll be good to finally get these horrible memories off my chest and be free of its burden.
Here goes…
It’s prom night at Cosa High School. The geeks, the band, the cheerleaders, the Xanax’d silicone enhanced bitches with the rich daddies, the jocks, the stoners, the future leaders and leaderesses of industry, that one guy who never spoke but became an Internet billionaire and future date rapists all converge to the gym for one final night of PG-13 debauchery before they go on with the rest of their lives, which will probably pale by comparison. It’s a time honored tradition, and the setting of many a horror film. This is no exception…
But there’s a nuclear power plant that’s spewing green glowing waste into every nick and cranny of this little sleepy nameless town (“This town always smells like ass”), and it just so happens that the dead are coming back to life because of it. This is unpleasant news because…
Lindsay (Greyson Chadwell) is NOT going to prom with her boyfriend Jimmy (Jared Kusnitz) because he doesn’t take anything seriously. She’s going with preening Mitch (actor whose name is so far down the cast list I didn’t even bother) who may have some backseat plans for her…whether she likes it or not.
Steven (Chandler Darby) likes cheerleader Gwen (Carissa Capobianco) and wants to ask her to go to prom, but she wants to go to prom with rocker Nash (Blair Redford). Tweeny intrigue abounds!!
And of course the dateless sci-fi geeks go to the cemetery on prom night because they have nothing else to do that doesn’t involve drugstore aloe vera and a tree’s worth of tissue. But this prom night, the geeks are going to have some unexpected dates in the form of zombies. At least if they live through the night they’ll have some memories of the prom they weren’t cool enough to go to…
Can this hapless band of gussied-up teens find a way to get to the gym before the zombies do? Can they stop them in time or will their school’s collective GPA drop because everyone’s dead (which tends to be a bitch when it comes to accreditation from the major colleges)? Will Cosa’s name be changed to G. Romero High School for the Undead? If you wait 85 short minutes…you’ll find out. And if you’re like me…you’ll be crying too…
Because something like the events that occur in Dance of the Dead happened to me during my prom, during my formative years in S——S, California. Nuclear power plant. Zombies. My own prom was ruined because of an outbreak of the walking dead.
It seems that writer Joe Ballinari and director Gregg Bishop have taken some of my most painful memories, added a couple laughs…and put it onto celluloid, or at least DVD-uloid. Myself and the other people (Bootsy, Glen Snackwell, RIP Mitchy) that survived the zombie attack of S——S were sworn to secrecy, but thanks to Ballinari, Bishop and Co, we now have an outlet for our pain.
So when you watch this and laugh (only moderately), or watch this and be scared (but probably not), remember that some people lived through this…because it actually happened.
What works with Dance of the Dead:
1.) I’m creeped out by frogs. I can only imagine wetting myself at the prospect of seeing…a zombie frog.
2.) As Coach Keel, Mark Oliver delivers the ONLY performance in the movie that’s consistently funny (“Zombies ate my dog. She was my best bitch.”).
3.) The A-Team-like weapon montage.
4.) The Brick Channel.
5.) Note to self: get cheap dynamite on Craigslist.
6.) An Attack of the Killer Tomatoes homage/ripoff.
7.) The Kill Bill walk. Hey at least this movie’s stealing from good sources.
8.) The zombie makeup and gore are of better quality than you might expect.
9.) A cheerleader/geek ooey-gooey kiss marks the only real moments of sustained laughter in the movie.
What doesn’t work:
1.) There really isn’t anything wholly original in this movie. Then again, when you looked at the DVD jacket you really didn’t think there was going to be, did you?
2.) A bad Shaun-of-the-Dead ripoff joke. It only reminds you that…Shaun of the Dead is a much better movie.
3.) You’re left wondering how EXACTLY the outbreak occurs. But it’s probably best that you don’t dwell on it too much. After all, you’re watching something called Dance of the Dead.
4.) You smile more than you actually laugh.
Overall. Could be better, could be funnier, but it’s only 85 minutes and I’m guessing you’ve seen something worse in the past 48 hours. It’s entertaining enough if you haven’t got a date this weekend. Alone. In your room. Doing nothing. Hoping he/she will call, but probably not because you didn’t have the balls to ask and I’ll bet she/he is watching Dance of the Dead without you thinking the movie would be funnier if there were only someone to watch it with.
I’m not talking about you of course. But I really think you should call him/her…
Available from Amazon
Watch the Dance of the Dead trailer:
Popularity: 2% [?]
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