Cthulhu (2007)
Review by Noel
Having only a basic knowledge of the works of horror master HP Lovecraft, I fervently awaited my viewing of Cthulhu because I would finally get the answer to the question (I’ve been wondering this ever since I read my first Lovecraft story in 2001) of how exactly do you say “Cthulhu” (is it one mashed-up word or do you sound it out pho-net-ic-al-ly?). After watching it I finally got to check that off my list of random shit I didn’t know but now I know.
BTW- the word’s pronounced just like it reads. Who woulda thunk it?
Oh yeah, and the movie’s pretty good too despite its obvious budget limitations.
Russell Marsh (Jason Cottle) is a bigwig professor at a prestigious university.
His mother just died.
And he’s gay. I mean, he’s homosexual, not happy and joyous that his mother just died.
Russ has to go back to his seaside hometown for the funeral and he’s not too gay about it. By gay, I mean happy and joyous, not homosexual. Russ left home ages ago and probably hoped he’d never have to return. But you can never really go home again, can you? Even if you don’t want to.
Well, sort of, because as it stands…EVERYONE that Russ remembers from his childhood never left. That’s a little odd…but it probably has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. Maybe it does.
We meet Russ’ family and we can understand why he left. It’s actually more surprising that he came back despite his mom biting it. He has a sister Dannie (Cara Buono), who seems normal enough, has a decent husband, and is infertile. Don’t think Russ can help there…because he’s gay. And because he’s her brother…although this might seem the town to accept and even be down with something like that. Ewwww. You know because you’ve had that feeling whenever you’ve entered certain towns
His father Reverend Marsh (Dennis Kleinsmith, channeling Ralph Fiennes as Voldemort) is the head of a church and is constantly talking about “The Old Ones”. Actually, it should be church in quotation marks- “church”- because when you look at the Reverend and that awful purple robe he always wears (does he have a closet full of them?), you’re wondering yet again why Russ decided to come back.. With a dad like that, he could have just IM’d his condolences and made sure not to try any of the punch in little paper cups.
You’d think Russ would give his dad tips on how to dress better, not because it’s a stereotype that gay guys know fashion, but because he’s been in the outside world, and sane people don’t dress up like the Grape from Fruit-of-the-Loom Underwear. I know I’m running a little long on the loco Reverend’s robe, but it’s just frickin’ hideous.
Russ also meets an old lover of his Mike (Scott Green). Mike tried being straight for a while (he has a daughter), but found it didn’t take, especially after seeing Russ again after all these years.
Russ wants to get out of town ASAP right after his mom’s burial but there are some legal snafus that have to get unwrinkled (the auction of the Marsh house) that force Russ to stay in town longer than he has the stomach for.
He visits an old childhood haunt where he and Mike used to hang out and jack off together (not kidding). There are names written all over the wall. It rings a bell with Russ but he can’t quite place it.
But thanks to a crusty old sailor and a 40 chased with a six-pack, Russ learns that these names belong to children. Children taken from something or something(s) that came from the sea.
Something that may be coming back.
Russ learns that homophobia may be the least of his worries as he now has to be aware of CreaturesfromtheDeepaphobia, a rare but deadly disease that infects people in Lovecraftian tales. You thought your hometown was weird…
Oh yeah, and Tori Spelling’s in this movie. If that doesn’t have you rearranging your Netflix queue, then nothing will.
What works with Cthulhu:
1.) Tori Spelling’s actually Tori-fic in this tiny part. Really. Donna Martin has nothing on Spelling’s Susan, with her husband in a wheelchair (exposed rebar through the testicles – not cool!!) and her need for sexual fulfillment. If you’ve ever had fantasies of seeing a Tori Spelling character try to seduce a gay guy (“Do you wanna fuck me Russ?”) while wearing a ‘Hi my Name is Susan’ nametag, then Cthulhu is the movie for you
2.) A great scene at a dinner table for ANYONE who’s ever felt uncomfortable around their family. Not only are you creeped out because you know you’re watching a horror movie, but because we’ve all known what it’s like not to be accepted for who we are (“How’s the gay lifestyle treating you?”).
3.) Solid lead performance by Jason Cottle. You feel for the guy because the deck’s stacked against him from the moment he enters the town (a fatal car accident right in front of him as he enters the city limits = not a good sign). The beauty of his work is that he never acts like he’s in a horror movie because he thinks he has bigger problems than that. He’s wrong.
4.) Those polar bears are so cute. You just want to grab and hug them, even though they’d rip your head off if they got the chance.
5.) A camera taking pictures in the sewers. You wonder how the pictures will turn out. Or maybe you really don’t want to.
6.) A beautiful aerial shot of…figures walking on a beach
What doesn’t work:
1.) While the film unsettles you for most of the running time, you’re rarely genuinely scared. Doesn’t necessarily make it a bad movie, just a little softer accent on the horror aspect. This is where a higher budget might have helped because…
2.) What the Hell’s in the TUB?!!!!- The final five minutes are maddening because it’s confusing when clarity is what is needed. Suggestion doesn’t always translate into scary. If/when you see it, you’ll get what I mean when I say that an actual FX budget would have aided instead of looking like something you’d see on a student film (MINOR spoiler – the opening of a door does…what?). Then again, you should see it if only so you could tell ME what happened.
3.) A conveniently placed and edited videotape. This is a backwoods town. The house has a VCR but I didn’t see a DVD player.
Cthuhlu is a very good film in terms of instilling dread that doesn’t really deliver in the end. But it’s still a film worth watching, if that makes any sense at all. See it for the chills, but stay for the Tori. You’ll be glad, even if you reset the last chapter and wonder to yourself if someone deleted the last part of the movie.
Watch the trailer:
Popularity: 4% [?]
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