Cry Wolf (2005)
Review by Noel
If Cry_Wolf is to be remembered at all, other than that annoying ‘_’ you have to type every time you write its title, it will be for having the audacity/idiocy to cast 80’s rocker Jon Bon Jovi as a journalism teacher. If the movie were any good or at least gorily distracting, you might find yourself diverted for bloody moments at a time instead of filling your consciousness with questions as to what the casting director Fern Champion was on and how much of it was she using at the time when the idea popped into her head, “Hey, you know what’s not a very, very, very stupid idea? Casting the guy who sung that Wanted Dead or Alive song from when I was in Junior High as someone who educates young minds with the art of the reported word…”
Yeah, now you’re beginning to remember because after you saw it the first time you pretty much forgot about it and was glad some other chump actually bought it because all you wasted was time and not time and money. If you paid and saw Cry_Wolf in theaters back in 2005…then I want to meet you so I can cross you off my Horror Movie Bucket List because I’ve always wanted to meet someone actually dared to see this on the big screen before I die. Because once I meet you then I only have to see Sherri Moon Zombie in a movie not directed by her husband (fat chance of that but one can always dream) and a Misty Mundae movie where she actually keeps her clothes on.
Okay, maybe I don’t want to see that Misty Mundae thing all that much.
Sigh…thinking about Misty Mundae is so much better than having to think about Cry_Wolf, much less having to write about it.
Owen Matthews (Julian Morris, looking like Freddie Prinze Jr. but sounding like Hugh Dancy) is a British transfer student about to enter the snooty Westlake Prep boarding school. Right off the bat the movie lets you know that Westlake Prep is filling its minority quota by showing unmotivated lingering shots of black guys, Latina girls and red-headed fat kids. Take that, affirmative action sticklers!
This is Owen’s nth transfer in so many years, and in a tiny inbred silver spoon school like Westlake when a new person comes along, it’s news.
But today Owen’s arrival isn’t the biggest story on campus. It’s that a local girl named Becky is missing and assumed dead so the police are at Westlake to teach the kids about personal safety (Lesson 1: Try not to end up missing or dead). A Veronica named Dodger (Lindy Booth) is too cool for all that personal safety shit so she ducks out and has a meet-cute with Owen. They hit it off and Owen is grateful that a girl is missing and presumed dead because if it weren’t for that then he wouldn’t have been able to meet Dodger.
Owen meets his new roommate Tom (Jared Padalecki) whose primary character trait is that he beats off a lot. That makes Tom the most articulately written character in the entire movie.
Later that night, Tom invites Owen to the chapel after lights-out. Owen has visions of sodomy by clergy but Tom puts him at ease by stating that Dodger wants to see him there. Owen is more than happy to attend.
Owen meets Dodger’s friends and they enact a Westlake tradition: a lying game involving avoiding suspicion, lying to your friends, and eliminating your enemies.
Owen proves very adept at the game, pointing out that Dodger and her friends know each other too well to be able to tell when the other is lying and that his position as an outsider enabled him to see their tells. Dodger takes this to heart because school is boring and there’s not much to do in town.
The next morning Dodger proposes the lying game but on a ‘hole ‘nuther level. She and Owen create a fictional serial killer (super scary killer name: the Wolf) to feed off the frenzy over little missing Becky. They email it to everyone at Westlake and the rumors and hysteria will spread like cream cheese. As soon as Owen presses “Send”, it doesn’t take long before Owen, Dodger and the rest of the Westlake liars hear the results of their dishonesty.
Another unforeseen consequence occurs as well. Someone IM’s Owen claiming to really be The Wolf, and just might pay him a gory visit this Halloween to show him and his incestuous clan what he (or she) can really do…because the Internet is just so darn impersonal as you can’t really show what a knife can do over a webcam.
What doesn’t suck about Cry_Wolf:
1.) Lindy Booth- I remember seeing her for the first time in the excellent Dawn of the Dead remake and wondering if that red hair was real. Now I’m wondering why she isn’t a better known actress right now as she gives an indelible performance as Dodger in an otherwise forgettable movie. Dodger’s a girl with some insecurity issues (to say the least), but nicely covers them up by being smarter than pretty much anybody in the movie. Including the filmmakers.
2.) The only real moments of suspense in a mostly yawn-worthy movie: a scene involving book carrels and motion lights. Director/co-writer Jeff Wadlow paces this scene perfectly as anyone can tell where this scene is going, but that doesn’t mean you’re still not genuinely scared.
3.) The final twist- No, it doesn’t even come close to redeeming an otherwise tedious horror movie experience, but at least you don’t come out of it with as much enmity for the first 90 minutes of its 91 minute running time.
4.) My favorite character – the Chester-y red herring of a janitor with the oversized cap. He doesn’t say a word in the movie but whenever I saw him I thought of Scooby-doo and what the janitor might have thought about all those meddling Westlake kids.
What doesn’t work about Cry_Wolf:
1.) Again, Jon Bon Jovi as a journalism teacher- “Living on a Prayer” indeed. You know you’ve lost your audience completely when they’re laughing a lot more than they’re actually scared. If this was 1987 this kind of stunt casting might be less ridiculous, but every time Bon Jovi appears on screen he sucks off any trust the movie might have regained from its audience and leaves them wondering if they didn’t rent a comedy instead.
2.) You’d think that for a horror movie involving a orange-masked serial killer with a huge-ass knife, that writers Jeff Wadlow and Beau Beuman would have written (minor spoiler) at least as many kills as there are fingers on one hand. And you don’t even need all your fingers. You don’t even get gruesome money shots to make up for the fact that you’re not having a good time.
3.) Has there been a shitty horror movie released this decade that Jared Padalecki isn’t a part of?
4.) You know what’s not scary? Instant messaging. You know what less scary than that? Watching a movie where characters are watching instant messaging.
5.) It’s not really suspenseful to watch someone running for an extended period of screentime…unless someone’s actually chasing them.
6.) A reveal near the end involving multiple flashbacks is confusing enough to cover the fact that if you understood what was going on or if any of it made actual sense…you’d hate the movie more than you already do.
You’ve actually seen Cry_Wolf already but have tried to forget about it until this review brought up those horrible memories again. Sorry. Don’t fret, think about Bon Jovi and you’ll be laughing again in no time…
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