Colonel Kill Motherf*ckers
Review by The Fiend of Grue
Where in the hell do I even begin to start with explaining to you the complete mess that is called Colonel Kill Motherfuckers? Well I guess I could start at the most logical place, the beginning of the “story” (you’ll probably notice me using parentheses quite often in this review because I refuse to call this a film or a movie). Hold on to your seats for this one, because I believe I’ve just witnessed a new low in cinema while watching this “movie.”
Colonel Kill Motherfuckers introduces us to a group of friends who are riding in a car across some barren country farm land in the middle of nowhere. While goofing off with one another, we see a man in an army outfit walking by himself down the same stretch of road reading a letter about being discharged from the army for being a serial killer…bummer.
After one of the guys in the car tricks another one of the guys into drinking his piss, the guy gets mad and throws the piss out the window, hitting the Colonel in the head , knocking him out cold. Worried that they may have seriously injured the guy, they go back to check on him, only to be slaughtered with a huge machete.
Next we are introduced to perhaps the most annoying ensemble of “characters” ever assembled. As they sit around talking about role playing games and sex, you quickly realize that this “movie” isn’t going to go anywhere. From grade-school level, jerk-off humor to stupid anal sex references, this film becomes painfully hard to sit through very quickly. To ease the pain for you, I’ll quickly jump through a bunch of pointless B.S. and tell you that these role-playing jerk offs eventually kill the discharged Colonel and then his clown-costume-wearing “mother” (which is a guy that was in the opening scene playing this part also, but who really cares what his name is) brings him back to life with her ass (yes…ass) and the Colonel then seeks revenge on all the motherfuckers who killed him!
I’ll start by saying that I am a huge fan of B-movies and independent cinema. To me, they usually have more heart, more drive and more passion than a lot of what you see in Hollywood. Also, the independent films usually tend to be the complete vision of what the director had in mind, making them a more complete project in the end. With that said, I have no fucking idea what Kevin Strange and Hack Movies had in mind while they were making Colonel Kill Motherfuckers. It’s very rare for a movie to piss me off so much while watching it. Actually, the only other movie that comes to mind that infuriated me like this film did was Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, but even that movie was GREAT compared to this “film.” I wasn’t pissed off from being offended because even though it tried to be offensive, it was just laughable. No, I was pissed simply because I had to endure such crap for 68 minutes.
Once the initial scene was over, it was easy to see that this “movie” was not going to have any kind of redeeming value whatsoever. Those fears were quickly confirmed as scene after scene became increasingly rancid and just plain awful. It’s easy to see the Troma influence on this film, but hell, even Troma puts this to shame and would be Oscar worthy next to this Z-grade garbage. It’s one thing trying to be funny on-camera with it just falling flat and not working, but the “actors” in this “film” were beyond anything I have witnessed before and their stupidity is unmatched, never even beginning to break the threshold of something that resembles funny.
From the wretched dialog to the prepubescent style humor, Colonel Kill Motherfuckers is an example of getting some friends together, grabbing a cheap camera, and making a half-assed “film” without any knowledge of how to do so, but doing it anyway. I honestly cannot see how anyone could find this as entertaining outside of the mentally challenged. It’s hard to see how even people who love and adore bad movies would find any kind of charm in this. The acting is non-existent, the editing is horrible, the jokes are so utterly pathetic time and time again, never being funny in the least and the special effects in this “film” are indeed special because I would be willing to bet that my 11 year old nephew could do a more proficient job in the makeup chair than these Hacks.
Colonel Kill Motherfuckers will go down in history as the worst “film” that I have witnessed so far in my 30 years of life. If I had any type of advice to give the folks over at Hack Movies, I would say just please stop now while your ahead. Put the camera down and move onto other ventures because movie making is not your thing. I know that’s harsh and I hate writing reviews that are negative like this, especially when it’s about an independent film, but this movie put me through pain for 68 minutes like no other has. I think I would rather be a victim of a grizzly bear attack than have to watch this again.
I cannot say it enough or any louder…AVOID THIS “FILM.”
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