Cockhammer (2009)
Review by Chris Jacques
This will not be a typical movie review; it simply can’t be, as Cockhammer is not the typical movie. It would be juvenile to simply discard the movie as “bad,” “piss-poor” or “the most awful thing I’ve ever seen,” because there’s simply more to it than that. The latest of Kevin Strange’s masterpieces doesn’t deserve a review that does any more than cast the film aside…but at the same time, it absolutely does.
Cockhammer is a film in the Troma tradition, an exploitative horror comedy with rampant sexuality and drug references. Unlike a Troma flick, however, the winking wit is simply non-existent. A blurb coming from the filmmakers themselves sets the film up as, “schlock at an exciting pace, proving that making your own damn movie has little to do with talent, and everything to do with tanacity (sic).” Unfortunately for them, and for me, that simply isn’t true.
The synopsis is rather simple: Terrence and Perander, a pair of junkie swinger losers are forced into action by the kidnapping of their girlfriends by the evil CockHammer, played by Strange himself. Strange actually pulls double-duty in this film, as CockHammer and a View Askew-esque stoner named Hogan. In all fairness, Hogan and his partner in crime (whose name eludes me at the moment and, really, doesn’t matter) are reasonably entertaining. Their humor is of the broadest variety and the lowest common denominator, but it mostly works. And that ends the section of this review where positive things are written.
The movie is wacky, crazy, drug-fueled nonsense that is always energetic but never good. Not even for a second. For a horror, there’s nothing scary about it, and for a comedy, it largely fails. And ultimately, that’s why I’m so frustrated with this movie.
I remember responding to my editor’s e-mail, choosing this film first of all the movies up for review. Having recently seen and greatly enjoyed the no-budget Junkbucket (review), I assumed that another politically incorrect slasher would be right up my alley. And, knowing that I can sit through just about anything, I wasn’t worried about getting this movie watched, reviewed and posted within a couple of days. That was weeks ago.
The first time I sat down to watch Cockhammer, I made it through about 30 minutes of the flick before I simply couldn’t handle another second. The dialogue for the film is absolutely atrocious, coming off like a hybrid of a Kevin Smith movie and an Insane Clown Posse album. The lines are so long-winded that I found myself praying that the characters would just shut the Hell up for a second, so I could stop hurting. They didn’t, so I didn’t.
I’d promised myself that I would sit through the entire movie in one shot, to give it a truly fair shake. Bad though Cockhammer might have been, I wanted to treat the fact that the people involved in making the film did put passion, time, effort and even a little bit of money into this with a measure of basic respect, so I had to start it over again when I went to watch it the 2nd time. By the 4th time and the 2nd week of attempting this, I realized that it simply couldn’t be done.
The acting was awful, as I expected. The script was worse than stuff I wrote in the 3rd grade, the special effects were only good in that they provided something at which to laugh, and the idea at large was just something that never needed to be made. I do want to be fair and say that the cinematography was adequate, and the on-screen graphics had a good look to them.
I didn’t want to do this review by the time I had to sit down and actually write it. It honestly breaks my heart to give a shitty review to people who are obviously horror fans. I know they tried; it’s evident that Kevin Strange and the crew at HackMovies.com wanted to make something that could become a cult hit, like a Poultrygeist or Tromeo and Juliet. Honestly, I wish they had, as I’m always looking for the next interesting thing in horror cinema. It wasn’t to be found here, though, nor did it seem to be available in any of Strange’s other films, based on the trailers.
Finally, the budget must be addressed. I’ve received quasi-nasty e-mails about how a movie that I gave a poor review was only made for 400 or 500 bucks, and I’m at the point now where that can no longer be accepted as an excuse. A budget does not buy ingenuity or creativity. It doesn’t buy the ability to write or even necessarily to act. All a budget can buy is a Michael Bay movie, and those happen to also suck. Cockhammer, according to the info provided with the movie, was filmed on a $500 budget, and though I admire the desire and passion that shines through when someone makes a movie with such meager funds, it’s simply no cover-up for the fact that a movie is just plain awful.
Ultimately, I think that HackMovies.com could have a cult future ahead of them, provided they address Kevin Strange’s mug-happy acting, poor writing and meandering story that just doesn’t matter. I hope so, as I hope that any horror fan can find it within him or herself to live their dream and make a kick-ass horror movie. But with Cockhammer, it’s absolutely evident that this troupe has a long way to go. I wish them the best, but if I gave this a good review, I’d have to shoot myself for being dishonest. Today’s not a good day for shooting myself, I’m sure.
Available from Amazon
Watch the trailer:
Popularity: 1% [?]
[ ‹‹ U.S. Remake of “Let the Right One In” Begins Production Slasher The Play Hits the Stage in Los Angeles ›› ]
2006 2007 2008 2009 awesome 80s bad movies Best of bloody book review boring brutal campy creepy disturbing Fatally Yours film festival fun ghosts gore haunted horror comedy Horror Literature humorous independent insanity interview low-budget madness monsters murders News psychological release info revenge sequel serial killer short film slasher supernatural unique vampires violent Women in Horror Worst of Zombies