Christine (1983)
Review by Noel
Do you remember buying your first car? The feeling of freedom as you were finally released from the tethers of your parents giving you rides…your father tonguing you rather inappropriately while your friends watched as he dropped you off right IN FRONT of your school. You wanted it to end, and having your car represented that, as well as a stage in your life that once you turned the corner, you would never look back. And you never did, as your dad only tongued you in front of your mom, as she looked in repressed silence waiting for the day she could cut off his…
Where was I? I was trying to make a point about a car representing freedom and tying it into this review of Christine, but for whatever reason I got sidetracked…I must be high off exhaust fumes or something…Wait! What the hell am I doing in my garage with the door closed and the engine running? That’s no way to write a review…
That’s better. I’m out of my car, back in front of my trusty computer (my computer’s name is…Kristin) as I write another review for you fine folks. Yeah, I’m a little dizzy from inhaling all those fumes, but I’ll be okay…
…So…many…colors…Glad…to…be…back…with…Kristin…
Let’s try this again. Everybody back to 1, rolling sound, Review of Christine for Fatally-Yours, Take 2, mark, and action Noel…
Hi everybody!! Let’s review John Carpenter’s Christine from 1983 shall we? Sorry about being a little loopy earlier. I’m feeling MUCH better now…
…So much better than Arnie (Keith Gordon). Because Arnie is a stereotypical nerd, with pants up to his shoulders, a Members Only jacket that looks like a blood-soaked parachute, and glasses so thick they could stop shotgun shells and see the future. Arnie has one friend in the whole world, Dennis (John Stockwell). Dennis drives Arnie around everywhere, to school, to games, to the group showers, to Menudo concerts (this IS the 80’s mind you)…
But one day Arnie makes Dennis stop (“I just wanna see her”) at what looks like a junkyard. Arnie gets out of Dennis’ car with wild abandon and makes a beeline to a red and white 1958 Plymouth Fury. It’s a little banged up, but for $250 it can be Arnie’s. ALL Arnie’s.
Arnie has the money, and a little time, love and attention will fix the Fury right up. We see that Arnie has PLENTY of that.
Because of the laws of full disclosure are in effect, we learn that the car has a name: Christine. We also know that Christine’s original owner died in the car six weeks earlier. And the original’s owner’s daughter choked to death in her years ago.
Me, I would have tried to knock off another $50 after hearing that. But silly things like that don’t stop Arnie because he is smitten with Christine. And so begins a love affair between geek and machine that can only end…in bad stuff happening. And they do…but not at first.
It seems that Arnie’s self esteem has been boosted by Christine. He’s changed ever since he’s started fixing her up. He’s lost his glasses. He’s even got a girlfriend, but not just any girl, but the prettiest and super-keenest girl in school, Leigh (Baywatch’s Alexandra Paul), who has “brains of a smart person, but the body of a slut” in the words of one of the more politically correct students. But there’s something fishy under the hood of this situation. Something not good. Something…evil!! Not just evil, but really super-duper evil!!! And you can add an extra ‘evil’ in there if you choose…because it applies.
Turns out, Arnie is just a little too obsessed with Christine’s welfare, more so than his school, and more so than Leigh. Turns out, Christine is a bad, bad girl, and in full-throttle need of Arnie’s slavish devotion. Turns out, she’ll do anything to get it, like choke, kill, and fuck with anyone who dares keep her away from her man… Turns out, I’ve been saying “turns out,” way too much
What works with Christine:
1.) Christine- She’s sexy, she’s the jealous type, she’s a mistress of vehicular homicide, you can knock her down, but never out. Just don’t make out inside of her. Or slap her interior.
I write all my reviews on Kristin my computer. I LOVE HER. I WILL DO ANYTHING SHE SAYS!!! ALLWORKANDNOPLAYMAKESJACKADULLBOYALLWORKANDNOPPLAY
2.) Never trust a guy wearing a back brace OVER a wife-beater.
3.) Robert Prosky’s crusty turn as a garage owner (“You think I’d give you the keys to the crapper?”) I have no idea what that last line of dialogue means, nor do I really want to.
4.) Christine-speak- I never really liked old 50’s music. Now I have a good reason not to (“God, I hate rock-and-roll”).
5.) There are times when you WANT Christine to win. Just like when I let Kristin take over in the middle of a review and I randomly write things that makes no sense. Don’t blame me. Blame Kristin.
6.) John Carpenter- Now that I think about it, this is one of Carpenter’s better/best works. I noticed no dead spots in the movie. While Christine isn’t as scary as Halloween or The Thing, it’s one his best in terms of pure storytelling. I do think it’s odd that the movie’s called John Carpenter’s Christine, instead of Stephen King’s Christine, but that’s just me.
7.) The future Mrs. John Travolta, Kelly Preston (Jerry Maguire, Spacecamp) makes one of her first appearances as a flirtily flirtatious young flirt. She gets to say the line “TTFN.” I didn’t think people actually said that aside from Winnie the Pooh cartoons. I guess I was wrong.
8.) Christine’s ‘transformation’ is seamless, considering it was made in the 80’s. You don’t really pay attention that you’re watching special effects. You just say to yourself “Holy Spare Parts!!! Christine’s changing!!!”
9.) Fiery Christine.
10.) Keep your eye on the ball and not on your best friend liplocked with the hottest girl in school. You could end up paralyzed.
11.) In some uptight families, you can’t use obscenities as words while playing Scrabble (“Fellatio”). But it was a TRIPLE WORD SCORE!!
What doesn’t work:
1.) Totally 80’s- I realize this isn’t the movie’s fault, but I couldn’t help but have derisive laughter at some of the dorky 80’s details. To whit…
-80’s White Guy Afro looking like bales of unkempt cotton on some dude’s head. I swear some of these mops took up half the screen. You could jam lawnmower blades in that thicket. You could disrupt television reception. You could cause an eclipse taking the Earth’s tides out of whack. You could get shot in the head and the bullet would willingly GET OUT of the way as to not get entangled in such a revolting white-man ‘do.
-Bad boy Buddy with sideburns that look like the state of Florida.
-The sweater-over-the-shoulder look. I had to stop the DVD so my gales of laughter could pass.2.) Shouldn’t Leigh get out of the way of a moving car? NOW would be nice…
3.) Great character actor Harry Dean Stanton is totally wasted. He’s one of those actors you just look forward to seeing onscreen, but you wish he does SOMETHING worthwhile in this movie.
4.) Tractor vs. Christine- Not as scary or climactic as it should be. It’s actually kind of weak because you don’t believe a bit of it.
5.) It’ll be too soon before I hear “Bad to the Bone” as an “establishing” song. Enough with that song already!
Christine. Good. Watch it. Again. You’ll like it. Promise. Until then, Kristin is telling me to go back to my car. So until then, TTFN…
Available from Amazon
Watch the Christine theatrical teaser trailer:
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