Beowulf
Review by Tony DeFrancisco
“Madness? THIS IS SPARTA!” – Gerald Butler, 300
“I am Ripper…Tearer…Slasher…Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is Strength…and Lust…and Power! I…AM…BEOWULF!” – Ray Winstone, Beowulf
Isn’t it funny how two films that are animated, testosterone-packed, and a male character screaming some line that he could whisper, come out the same year as each other? If I hadn’t known better, I would call Beowulf a cash-in, but I know better and I know that it was made before 300. You could either be all over Beowulf, or all under Beowulf. I had the joy of being over the film, but I think my joy was a little bit too joyous. Unfortunately, Zemeckis’ take of the tale doesn’t succeed to its standards and becomes a failed attempt at trying something new.
So before I begin this review, I have by no means read the Beowulf poem written by Anonymous. Beowulf actually had a lot of potential behind it. Directed by Robert Zemeckis, who directed the brilliantly animated Monster House, and written by Roger Avary and Neil Gaiman, and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah animation, who cares? Beowulf could have been much better than what it was. It’s just another film ruined by its hype.
Beowulf (Ray Winstone) comes to protect the village ruled by King Hrothgar (Anthony Hopkins) from the evil demon Grendel (Crispin Glover). He kills Grendel, and goes to kill Grendel’s mother (Angelina Jolie), but instead of killing her, he becomes seduced into making another kid with her. When asked about it, he says that she is dead and King Hrothgar hands the throne to Beowulf once he dies. I guess he felt like that now is the right time where Beowulf can start sitting on that throne, because Hrothgar kills himself and Beowulf becomes king. Grendel’s mother comes back, an evil dragon appears, and Da-da must fight the fire-breather to save his village.
I saw this in a regular 35mm print, so I don’t know if it was better when in 3D. To tell you the truth, 3D gives me a headache. Beowulf is nothing more than a guy lying to the people that he watches over, and ends up making a big mistake in the end. I liked it better when it was called V for Vendetta.
The animation was supposed to be great, and while it still is, there are times in Beowulf where they exaggerate too much. Zemeckis used the technique called “motion capture technology.” Actors wear suits, and their movements are used to create an animated character. I can’t understand why HALF of these characters were cast. The first one I can’t understand is Winstone. Did any of you guys see the real him? How does he look like Beowulf AT ALL? The same goes for Anthony Hopkins, who looks obviously nothing like his animation counterpart. Crispin Glover goes along with that bunch, but at least I can see why he was cast. The guy scares the living piss out of me too.
And then there is Angelina Jolie, who, yes, gets naked, and that’s the reason why the film made thirty million in the box office. There’s just a tad-bit of a problem there…she’s animated, and you don’t even see HER nude. You just see some nude girl on-screen that has the voice and looks like Angelina Jolie. If you really want to see a nude of Angelina Jolie, check out Gia, and if you are REALLY naughty (and REALLY child molester-ish), check out Cyborq 2.
But I forgot to tell you what was really boring about the film. Even though someone’s going to turn it around on me and say, “Well, you think it worked for Tarantino, so why won’t it work here?” That’s my entire point. The dialogue – there is too much! If you’re expecting a lot of action, you’re in for a big let-down. There isn’t as much action as the previews say there is, so it begs the question – Why show off your animation while showing off that you can talk like John Cleese? If you are going to even HAVE dialogue, at least make it interesting in the process.
However, I’ll admit that when there IS action, I can say that it was well done. The animation technique was used there just right and Zemeckis doesn’t over-do it. What would have happened if Beowulf was totally live-action, with little or no animation involved? Would it be a better movie, or would it be just as worse? Let’s not try it out. Beowulf without the animation is like the high school preppy girl without the skank.
Beowulf could have…no…SHOULD HAVE been a great movie. It had the potential and it looks pretty. But it’s all make-up and no pretty looks. I’m utterly disappointed with the film, hoping that one day Zemeckis can redeem himself. He can send me a copy of Monster House 2: Nebbercracker’s Revenge in the mail.
Popularity: 8% [?]
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